When should boys start dating
What You Should Know About Texting and Dating
Over the past few years it seems that almost every dating dilemma I hear from my coaching clients and girlfriends has something to do with the texting. Texting and dating definitely isn’t just for 20 year olds anymore. These women are all dating after 40…some in their 60s and 70s.
“Sue” connected with a man on Tinder, they had a couple emails, and then he started texting. He sent her pictures of the baseball game he attended. He told her about his crappy day at work. She told him about her car trouble and he responded ‘why didn’t you ask me to come help?’
Then they had a coffee date. It went well. The texting went on. They “talked” on and off all day. He complimented her and made her laugh. He told her how busy he was and she felt flattered that he was keeping in touch.
The next week the texts tapered, and then he stopped responding. She asks me “I thought he was so in to me. What should I do. ”
“Lila’s” guy told her all these wonderful things and poured his heart out via texts for two weeks. But he never followed through with an actual in person date. She wants to know what that means.
“Melissa” stayed up until 3 AM texting with her dude. They had one date three weeks prior, and since it’s only been texting. But it is so romantic! She is falling for him. She wants to know how to stop obsessing over him being The One.
Texting has certainly complicated dating and relationships. I’m going to give you some straight scoop about what texting really means and doesn’t mean. And, most importantly, how you can take control of the situation – like a grownup!
The only thing you should assume when you’re getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with you. He’s feeling entertained and he’s enjoying your responsiveness.
Do not assume that getting a bunch of texts from a guy means you are having a relationship. You’re not even dating. If a man is choosing to only text or primarily text, he’s not showing signs of wanting to get to know you in a meaningful way.
The only thing you should assume when you’re getting a bunch of texts is that the guy is having fun flirting with you. He’s feeling entertained and he’s enjoying your responsiveness.
Sure, he wouldn’t be spending any time if he wasn’t attracted to you, but if he’s solely texting, he doesn’t think of you as a potential partner. Expecting him to move on to something more serious isn’t realistic. In fact, it usually means quite the opposite. These guys disappear.
Why they disappear doesn’t matter. Whether it’s because they found someone else, were just playing or because they got scared — that’s 100% immaterial. You know what you need to know: he isn’t a good, grownup man worth your time.
There are so many ways to know if a man is a serious guy who is interested in getting to know you. He steps up by calling and settings up dates. He tries to learn about you and your life. He makes an effort to spend time with you. He does little things to try to make you happy.
If you are like Sue, Lila or Melissa, here is what you need to know: Continuous texting, when void of in-person meeting, creates a false sense of connection. You feel like you are getting to know one another, but that is not what’s happening.
A text ‘relationship’ is simply like being a player in a game. It’s a type of false connection that sets up incredibly unrealistic assumptions and expectations. I’ve seen countless women create complete fantasies and get drawn in — often before they even meet a man.
And the opposite happens too. With no tonality in messages, texting back and forth creates enormous opportunities to misread and misunderstand intent. I can’t tell you how many emails I’ve received from coaching clients with a text conversation pasted in and the question: What do you think he means (aka WTF).
(Honestly, half the time I don’t know what a guy means based on twelve words on a screen. And even if I think I do know, I’m loathe to guess. I suggest she asks him to call her.
Be aware, keep your emotions in check and stay in reality. You don’t know him. And keep reading here to learn how to get the texter to move on to the phone or an in-person date.
(Want to learn more about how to know when a man is really interested? You can watch my free webcast How to Know When He’s Into You. )
If you are getting texts along with calls and dates, then excellent! He’s interested in getting to know you and likely looking for a relationship.
But if there is no actual in-person contact – beware!
You probably know the guy who texts once in a while as a kind of check in. He tells you how much he likes you and even acts super interested in your life. He flirts. He says how busy he is and how he’d really love to see you soon. And it ends there.
Pingers want an ego boost. They text you and, when you respond positively, get the high of knowing that you’re still a willing option when (and if) he wants to actually spend time with you.
With just ten minutes time and a few well chosen keystrokes, a good pinger can keep you interested for months, even years…without so much as one date. (This happens with telephone calls too.)
If you are involved with a pinger, girlfriend, you need to end that so-called relationship right now. You can read more about pingers and learn what you can do with them by reading this article : Why Does He Keep Disappearing and Reappearing?
If you haven’t met him yet and he’s texting to see if you can get together on short notice, don’t be flattered. He’s either impulsive or, more likely, using you as a back-up girl when his other plans fell through.
If you like him and are willing to give him a chance, then respond with a positive ‘thank you but no thank you.” You want to say something like this:
“It would be great to see you, Bob, but I have plans tonight. Love to get together with a little more notice next time. Enjoy your evening.”
Put it out there and see what happens. A grownup guy who truly wants to know you will get the message and ask you out ahead of time. A player or user guy will text you again in a few weeks wanting to see you that night. Take it for what it is – he’s probably not serious about dating and he’s going down his list, hoping you bite. Don’t answer.
Texting can be a great complement to real dating. For instance, it’s a great way to clarify plans or make last minute updates to the plan.
A man who wants a healthy, mature connection will make every effort to show you he’s interested and to actually see you in person. Why? Because that’s how men decide if they like you. It’s all about how he FEELS when he’s with you, and he knows it. So if he’s looking for something more than one fun night, a good man will do what he can to impress you by asking you out, and then be in your presence.
Texting is also good for a quick “had a nice time” or “sleep well” note following a nice date. Or a “looking forward to slurping spaghetti with you Friday.” Let him know you’re thinking of him and appreciate him. Make it simple, and leave it there. If you don’t hear back, move on.
I can see why even good, solid, single men love texting. If he sees your picture and profile and wants to meet you, the hunter in him wants to get directly to the result: meeting you. This is also true of some women I know. They feel that chatting first just gets in the way and would rather skip the phone and/or email.
But I’ll say it again, doing a bunch of texting first creates an unrealistic sense of connection. If you want a little more, like a phone call first, it’s up to you to get off the texting treadmill and ask for what you want. And if he is serious about meeting a woman for a real relationship, he will step up.
How do you do that? Simply say something like this if he seems to be stuck on texting:
“It would be great to hear the voice connected to these great texts and emails. I’d love a phone call when you’ve got time. Hope that works for you! 555-1212.”
“Thanks for getting in touch. I’d like to get to know you but I find texting isn’t the best way. But catching up with you over coffee might be ;).”
So…the bottom line on texting and dating is this: use texting sparingly, wisely and, most of all, don’t read too much into it. Remember, real life and real love happen in person, smile to smile, touch to touch. Not on your phone or your computer.
I would LOVE to hear your texting stories and answer your questions about how to make it work for you while dating or in your relationship. Leave me your comments below.
As a divorced working parent who recently met another divorced working parent, who lives 45 minutes away, I have to say that texting is the life’s blood of any relationship. I’m at work or at the store or with my kids and I don’t want or need the people around me to hear a 45-minute personal conversation. If I want to talk on the phone I have to go out on the porch after my kids are in bed. As a responsible mom, I don’t want them to know I’m dating at all until I’ve been with someone for at least a couple of months and am reasonably confident they’ll be around for a while.
Even my 73-year-old mom prefers texting most of the time, as she’s waiting in line at the store or for a doctor’s appointment or whatever. Very few people have the time any more to sit still and talk for 30 or 60 minutes like we did in the 80’s. Most of my phone conversations are in the car, as I’m driving my 45 minutes to or from work.
Hi CH. I’m happy for you and Congratulate you for keeping so much together. I agree with you 100%.Texting is great when you’re in a relationship. While dating and getting to know someone…not so much. Bp
Thank you for writing this. I was introduced to a guy by mutual friends about 4 months ago. I liked him instantly and we had great chemistry. I had our friends and him over for a dinner party at my house, and he wrote the most beautiful iMessenger message when he got home afterwards. I was out of town then for about a month during which time we would regularly iMessenger all night until sunrise. The conversations were witty, intimate, and captivating. He is a man of writing, in all senses, and it’s one thing I like about him. When I returned back home, I hosted another dinner party instantly, to see him and our friends and it was great. Since then we message almost everyday but it’s like pulling teeth to get him to spend time with me in person. I pushed once and got an afternoon with him, and he seemed to enjoy it, but it didn’t feel like his idea. I asked him to an art gallery another time and we had a good time, but again it wasn’t his idea. I’ve grown tired of the incessant messaging and no effort to spend time in person. I finally responded to a message that he can feel free to call me if he’d like to talk. Silence. The next day I realized that through all that time and seemingly intimate messaging he’d never bothered to ask for my phone number! I feel like an idiot for not realizing this whole time that he was using me, whether he realizes it or not, for his own pleasure, on his terms, with no intention of actually getting to know me. I’m grateful for the lesson, even though my heart is hurt, because I know now the red flags of emotional immaturity. Including my own.
Yes, it’s a difficult but meaningful lesson. You are eons ahead of where you were before you realized this, DD. You are on your way to dating like a grownup. That’s what leads you to love, my sister. Hugs, Bp
You don’t need to publish this, but just for your research on this topic. This guy sent ANOTHER string of messages after silence and disappearing for several weeks after I asked him to call. He apologized and said life has been crazy but he’d like to take me up on that dinner sometime. Uhhhh, what dinner? I guess this is a passive way of asking me out to dinner? Wow. No thanks.
Hi!…I just wanted to say that Why my boyfriend always taking my text lightly, meaning when I text him “hi babe” and he replied saying “hi” and again I texted him “sup” he replied saying “I’m good thanks” but he never ask me how I was and what I did. I felt shameless and I thought that he wasn’t meant to be my bf. Any things you can help with. But I really loved him. By the way, I asked him thrice to breakup with him and he said no. He don’t want to breat up with me
I really like your page and the advice you give to others and I would also like to tell you my story.
Last year I met someone on a dating app. After few weeks of chatting we decided to go out for a drink. It was nice but I also had the impression he was a bit reserved/uninterested. I would have liked to see him again but didnt really feel it was mutual. A few rather neutral texts followed some days later but I felt confirmed in my feeling and decided to not pursue it further. Neither did he.
Now one year(!) later he all of the sudden texted me again, asking if I would like to go out some time. I was surprised and suspicious that I left such an impression and asked how come he came back to me. He said he started to date someone around the time he met me. But it only lasted one year and now he has more time again. It sounded like a classic rebound but as I kind of liked him and had no expectations I decided to meet him. We spent a nice, harmless evening and kept on texting the following days. He was, opposed to the year before, talkative and interested and I enjoyed conversation with him. He was busy, in between two trips, but let me choose the day I want to get together again. So we met. I started to like him but still had no real expectations and took it easy. We spent a really nice evening together. At some point I started talking about dating (apps) and asked if he is back in the game to get bit of an idea what he wants. I told him that I do not really care so much about dating at the moment or using these apps, which made him a bit upset. He decided to leave as he had to take a flight next morning. When outside the bar he confronted me and said he had the feeling I didnt want to hang out with him. An impression I certainly didnt give. I told him I wouldnt be here if I didnt want to. Later we kissed and spent a very good rest of the evening. He invited me to his place. It was certainly not part of my plan but we stayed together. I had the feeling this meant something to him as well and that he wasnt just looking for a rebound.
So next day he left for vacation. I thought it would be for a few days. Only much later it turned out it was for 5 weeks. I tried to keep a bit conversation and the first days it was ok. But he didnt initiate any conversation anymore. And the longer he was gone the less he replied and the longer it took him to reply. He must have felt my interest wherase I sensed he had less interest. I asked him to go out as I expetced him to be back soon. I kept sending a message per week. As I didnt get anything back from my last text I decided to stop. Two weeks later he texted me, apologizing and asked if I was available some time as he would be back soon. I replied a bit cold that I would get back to him when Im recovered from an injury (true story). Some days later I restarted the conversation and intended to ask him out for the following week. But I had the impression it wasnt as it was before he left. I asked him if he now stays a bit in town or if he has already packed for another trip… And he replied after a while that he would indeed be going again for another 7 week trip in a couple of days. I felt very disappointed, wished him the best and told him in that case we should leave it at that. He wished me the same and said it was fun.
I understand that when someone is on holidays, he is somewhere else and maybe busy. On the other hand, if you like or are curious about somebody, then this shouldnt prevent you from showing it. I wouldnt have minded waiting another two months if I had received the feeling it is worth it. But I didnt really feel it during his absence and asked myself again what did he actually want from me. He got back to me after one year, got upset when he had the feeling I wouldnt wanna hang out, but got silent and kind of indifferent while he was gone. I rather felt like he is only available and friendly when he wants something and wanted me at his disposal when convenient and that he only pretended he would care.
Should I have tried to meet him during the few days he was here? Im sorry for this long story but Im really curious what you think of this.
Hi Erin. When a grownup man is interested you know it. There’s no guessing. So either he’s not a grownup or not interested in a way you might want him to be. I agree. He’s only interested st his convenience. Move on. Bp
I met a guy online. Took a while to meet and we went out 4 times. There were some cancellations and changes but when we go out we have a great time. He’s asked to take it slow and be patient as he has been traveling but how do I know if he’s blowing me off or honest. He texts me everyday and I like him but it’s so hard to tell
I met a guy off of a dating website. We hit it off right away. So we exchanged numbers and talk til 3am…we text all day and he calls every night to say good night to me. I finally went out on a date with him after 2 weeks. We had a deep and emotional connection. We had sex that night, but we already had covered the sex talk in one of our long endless conversations. Both agreed that it wouldn’t be an issue if we had sex. We were looking for someone to have fun with and have a companion. The text haven’t stopped nor has the say good night calls. But I haven’t seen him since our date and it’s been 2 weeks. He works long hours during he week and he said he only has the weekends for free time. I’m so confused. He says he likes me and wants to get to know me better but hasn’t taken the time to see me…what are you thoughts on this situation?
Hi Cindy. He’s acting the same way he did before you hopped into bed with him, right? He’s texting and calling and not being able to see you often. If you want something different you’ll have to have a conversation with him. Don’t be surprised if 1) He’s surprised you have a problem with it this way and 2) he can’t change it. You signaled it was OK with you when you slept with him after waiting 2 weeks to meet him and not having any conversation about what will happen next in your developing relationship. Now it’s your responsibility to explain that you want it to be different and ask if he can do that. Here are a couple articles for you: How Long Should I Wait Before I Have Sex? and What to Say to Man in Difficult Situations. Hugs, Bp
Hi Gabby, I think I answered your question in the article. It may not be what you want to hear, but just move on, ok? Hugs.
This entire and comments has pit everything into perspective of what I think is happening in my case. I met this guy on the dreadful Tinder (which i pay for Eharmony and Match but never find anyone I can connect with on those sites which is frustrating to say the least). But anyway met a guy, im 34 and he’s 41..we met the the site and he disappeared off my Tinder app after I gave him my number. Then 2 weeks later he popped up on my Whatsapp acting coy as he saw my number but didnt recall how we met. So I saw it as a corny attempt to engage my attention so I reminded him ans he went into a spew of how he’s looking for a good girl. He just moved to a new town 2 hours from me because he was expecting a new baby with a women that he is not involved with. He told me about this right out the bat which was overwhelming at first but his honesty and upfront nature kept my attention and the situation with the baby momma to be was bad. She is basically an unfit mom and they are in heading to court bc he wants full custody, but now the mom claims he is not the father so they are also doing a paternity test. All of this he has shared with me and i have been a listening ear or shall I say texting ear bc we spoke once on the phone and so far have gone out on an amazing all day all night date. But at this point it has been over a month and he still texts instead if calling me, he asked if we could skype, and i agreed but let him know I was busy that day and i would let him know when I was available. Well the whole skype idea went out the door bc he profusely texts me instead of skyping. He keeps saying he wants to see me again soon but he has a lot of preparation for his custody, paternity case, but he has ‘texts’ how much he likes me and has even texted future plans for us as if we are going down the road to a long term relationship. But its hard to believe or feel secure with anything he is saying via text without any viable actions of commitment. I like him a lot, and maybe even see him as a man I could truly love and have a happy life with. But im now discouraged and backing off the initiating if texting and he seems to have backed off this week as well. Whenever I text him he quickly responds as if he has been waiting on me to steer this ship. He has mention several times that Im too beautiful and he cant believe he has someone like me in his life, but i dont feel like im in his life at all really.. only a small fraction. I just want to know if I should be patient with him bc he is going through some drama right now, or am i expecting too much too soon from this guy. We both have careers that keep us busy but im making time to fit him in and I want the same from him. But this article does bring some clarify. I plan to let him know what im looking for between us and move on if I dont see any improvement.
Ive been talking to this guy i met on tinder for 3 months now. We have texted each other literally everyday for 3 months straight except maybe not hearing from him for 2 days at one point. He wanted to meet up about a month ago but I had plans already. This past week he hasn’t texted near as much and I texted him two days without a response. Finally I sent him a Snapchat and he responded. So I hinted that he hasn’t responded in 3 days so he texted me “good night” that night but other than the good morning that’s all we’ve been texting these past few days, no texting throughout the day. I asked him if something is up if he’s losing interest or what the deal was and all he says is “I’m sorry sweetie, I’ve just been busy ” I understand that yes he could have been busy he works 12 hours out of town and stays in a hotel for the week with his coworkers. But he also mentioned how the past 2 days he’s only worked a couple
hours and those so happened to be the days I didn’t hear from him and one of those days he had the day off. Am I thinking too much into it and being crazy or should I be concerned with his actions the last few days?
I thoroughly dislike text. Fortunately, I only date men I meet in person, so I always get asked out in person or via phone. (I never will understand the online obsession….its really creepy! And meeting men is easy, so why??)
Anyway, I actually will use how a men texts and communicates as a screening tool. If he relies on text too much, or does it too frequently, he’s done.
I just see guys the text alot as weak. Like little girls. And kind of flakey.
My method works well for me because it reflects my standards. It saves me from wasting time on losers and gives me more time with men who naturally fit my needs and style.
My current amazing man never texted at the beginning. Only calls and dates. Its been 9 months now, and he still rarely texts. Always calls if possible. Love!
Personally, I would rather have flowers brought to me at the end of the day then a “thinking about you” text.
I mean, I KNOW you’ve been thinking about me! But what are you doing for me?
Do not let him TELL you, ladies. He should SHOW you with an action that took effort.
Less is more in the text world.
And in relationahip, there IS a thing as too much verbal communication.
Far better to use your senses and physical body to connect : )
Sherry , you’re absolutely right, I can’t stand texting, would much rather hear your voice and hear your texts . I find men hide behind the screen because it doesn’t evolve emotion or inflection of your voice, to some men I guess this is scary. Grow up. If you like a woman it’s immature to string her along with affectionate endearing texts and pull her heart strings, step up to the plate and show her and be physically present!!
I got to know this guy from Tinder. And he seemed nice and all.
We chat on tinder for a week. but his reply always takes so long. I told him i dont want to continue talking to him cos he literally can take hours to respond to one questions. hence asked him to stop bothering me. Right after that he asked for my number. i was like eh whatever. True to his claim, the texts was much better. fast forward 1 week later, i gave hints that like to meet. He said he’s busy for the entire month that got me abit wary. I was ah whatever i text him but didnt place my hopes on him too much. I jokingly said “im okay with never meeting” he immediately started saying he would love to have dinner and asked me out the next day, also saying he will confirm with me again the day itself. (P.s He works 12 hour Night shift and have school after that so i get that he’s tired and real busy) He canceled it 2 hours before. After that after i brought up the joke about not meeting etc. He went on a long text saying “he’s fine with meeting or not. but he can only say for sure if he likes her girl by meeting her” After that i decided to take the leap and ask him when he’s free and ill clear my schedule. so initially he wanted to have brunch. He school assessment finish at 10 am. And i said lets meet at 11am and ill leave for work at 1.30. He kept repeating he finish at 10. and then he said “he might end earlier like 9.30” so i changed the time to 10.
This is for the coming thursday. Yesterday he didnt text me. its been more than 1 2hours. Why is he suddenly going quiet now?
Don’t know. But like I advise in all my writing, just keep living your life instead of hanging on what one guy does. You don’t even know this guy and he hasn’t done much of anything to show he’s all that interested. There are tons more where he came from. Move on, sister. Bp
Met a guy online. After about a week, we were texting and finding out more about each other. Scheduled to meet last Tuesday and literally had a cancel minutes before due to actual tornado and bad roads. Talked about meeting later that week for lunch but then he couldn’t due to meetings. I offerred Sunday afternoon and his response was “let me see what I can do, supposed to meet up with friends”. Texted a little Saturday but never heard back about today. Can’t figure out if I should just give up
I think you know, Trish. Just live your life. If he wants to he will get back in touch and make a plan. He probably just found ‘something shiny’ and went another way. You did what you could. There are lots more out there. Hugs, Bp
Hello Bobbi, I met a charming man online (not in a dating site but in a professional network). We started exchanging emails about our professional lives and our countries (we live in different continents – Portugal and Brasil) and exploring cultural differences. He gave me his number, we started texting in whatsapp and then he found my facebook profile. He shows great interest in getting to know me and tries to impress me with his little things (as guys normally do). He has sent me some pictures of his daily life and it’s really cute of him to do that. I feel he’s trying to build some connection with me despite the distance. It’s been almost two months. I really like what i see and hear from him and i guess the opposite is also true because he has always initiated contact (i never contacted him first) and we talk almost on a daily basis. He told me he would like to visit Europe and that he will come and visit me as soon as possible for him. My question is: does this story could mean something in terms of relationship potential? Should i just drop it because we live too far away and probably we’ll never be? or should i give it a try? i feel i can’t just drop it (like stopping answering him for example) i keep my expectations low because i can’t see him and our only way of communicating so far is texting. I don’t like texting very much but i’ve enjoyed getting to know him (not too much personal details so far, only generic info) but i think because of the circunstances it’s the only way we have to communicate. we could also use skype, of course, but i’d like to be him suggesting that.
Maybe I should initiating texts with him too and ask him directly where does he sees things going but it’s not what i do when i meet someone in my city and also because i don’t want to come off as an aggressive woman, which i’m not. but i also don’t like the idea of starting to get somehow attached and fall in the trap of the Fantasy relationship. What do you think? Thank you ??
Hi Rosa. You have the right idea. You don’t want to get hung up on a fantasy. I say get on Skype with him ASAP and have a real, grownup conversation about the possibilities of any relationship. Don’t worry about being aggressive. This is about being an adult and facing the realities head on. Sometimes things like these work. Most time, they don’t. Don’t waste any more time. If he’s worth it, he will be open to having a direct discussion about it. Best. Bp
I’ve been dating a guy for almost a month and I see him at least once a week but he doesn’t always text back. In person I recently asked him if he’s dating other people, he genuinely seemed confused and said no. Am I delusional? I feel like he doesn’t like me that much. But at the same time when I’m with him he seems ok
Maybe he doesn’t like to text. Maybe he’s just busy during the day. The question to ask him isn’t if he’s dating other people. It’s simply how he prefers to communicate with you. I’m going to guess that texting won’t be his first choice. Bp
Hello I have been texting this guy for about 9 months back and fourth and we were really hitting it off then out of know where he texted me and was like can I call you it was the best time I had then he stopped calling and texting and I don’t know why help me
Sorry Jayme, it’s because he’s not into you. As I said in my article: texting is NOT a relationship. Bp
I’ve read your points and I believe I’m falling to option 5 here… I met a 55 year old man through an online dating website… this situation is a little different for me in the way that he’s a widower and new to the dating scene after 25 years of marriage. He sent a few texts every few days in the beginning and now it’s daily. He sends pictures of him and his children and I enjoy the texts and seems to be moving forward but slowly… has not asked inquired about an in person date and our texts are usually about our day to day activities and kids.
B… I’m not sure if he’s actually been on a date with a woman since his wife passed and I’m not sure that’s a question I should ask.?
C… do I make the first move as indicated in option 5?
Forget worrying about being pushy. It’s time you tell him you’re enjoying getting to know him but the only way to truly do that is to meet in person. As I said, texting is not dating. I understand he may be a little rusty or nervous, but either he’s dating or not. And if not, I encourage you to move on. You’re not looking for a text-buddy right? That’s my advice. Let me know how it goes. Hugs, Bp
I met this guy at a friends gathering, one thing led to another and we hooked up. I had to work the next morning so I left before everyone got up. The next day he was asking my friend to give me his number and text him. I got it, waiting till later on that afternoon/evening to text him; After that first text we have been texting every day sometimes until 2/3 in the morning, this goes on for 3-4 weeks. There was another gathering for that friends birthday, for a week or more we talked/joked about things that would happen (fun pranks/ hooking up) but nothing about a date or alone time…(didn’t see until now). The weekend came, it was a great time, a reunion party weekend with friends almost , no time to really talk and get to know one another. I left the Sunday afternoon before everyone went out for lunch, he left before everyone to the restaurant before I could say good bye, I texted him saying it was great seeing him again, jokingly apologizing for him cutting out before I could say good bye and to have a safe drive home. We texted for three more days on and off all day again, getting more personal and joking about things that happened on the weekend, then it’s like he vanished, I haven’t heard back in a couple days.
Totally get people have a life and are busy, im not upset or begging for him to text/call me… I just feel more so confused and slightly used, I don’t but I do..
Again…as I said in my article: texting is not dating. Please don’t take it as anything serious. If he wants to see you he knows how to ask you out. Please just live your life and don’t give a bunch of texting any more meaning that it deserves. And please don’t just hook up with a dude you just met, okay? Take care of yourself. Bp
I’m a 49 year old woman. I joined a dating site and met (online) a man who lives about 70 miles away. We began texting, and I learned that he recently moved from very far away to care of his dying mother. We texts fairly regularly in the mornings and evenings. We’re both busy during the day. Our conversations have become very deep and we realize we have some fundamental things in common. We have spoken on the phone twice, but we both seem reluctant to do that again. Not sure why on either part. I know he is very wrapped up emotionally with what is happening with his mom. This is understandable, and I’ve been there. He’s been very sweet and romantic and shared some painful stuff with me. It’s been going on about 2 months now. Hard to make plans when you don’t know if your mom is going to be there tomorrow. She is on dialysis 3 times a week, if that tells you anything. I feel selfish wanting more of his time… Which really means seeing him in person. I get the feeling that he’s holding back because it’s such a weird time in his life. It really is a weird time in his life. Not exactly tranquil in mine either, but that’s another story and not nearly what he’s going through. In this case I feel okay about continuing our texting only (well mostly) relationship. He’s never missed a good morning or a good night. Any thoughts?
Diane, you’re not being selfish wanting to see him; you’re being smart. Like I said, when a man doesn’t meet you or even talk on the phone, there is a reason. It’s not because his mother is sick. And he doesn’t live all that far away. I think you know intellectually that you’re overlooking clear signs that something isn’t right…don’t you? I hope you decide to move on to a man who actually shows up for you. Again, when a man is into you AND he’s looking for the Real Deal…he will move mountains to be with you. I wish you the very best, of course. Bp
I’ve been seeing a guy for about a month now. He lives back in my hometown, and I’m three hours away, so we’ve only hung out twice. Our first date lasted 8 hours and was amazing. Two weeks later, he came to see me and spent the whole weekend here. Equally amazing. Even before our first date, there were times where he wouldn’t text me like all day until the evening. I brought it up to him and told him it makes me feel like he’s not interested, so he said that he is not a big phone person and that he would work on it. It’s been two weeks since he came to see me here. The texting was good after, but he didn’t call and for the past week or so, the texting has fallen off more. We had a good phone conversation this Monday (I called) and I thought I got my point across to him that I appreciate more regular communication, especially since this is a long distance thing. I said it would be hard for us to get to know each other better without some decent communication. Again, he said he would work on it. He also said that he makes a point to be upfront and honest with girls from the beginning and that he doesn’t put on a show (I’m guessing this means that he’s not a big texter, so he’s not going to put on an act like he is). I texted him first both Tuesday and Wednesday and we had a couple (very) short text convos throughout those days. Yesterday, I didn’t text first and I didn’t hear from him until 7:30 last night after he saw and liked a post I made on FB (unrelated). He said “How are you darling?” I didn’t respond, because I had told him earlier in the week that if I felt like he wasn’t putting in any effort, I would eventually just quit responding. What do you think? I know guys aren’t big texters, but I don’t think it’s asking too much for a Good Morning text or ANYTHING before 7:30 in the evening. Is he not into me, or just not into communication?
Hi. I’ve known this guy for over ten years. When we first met we never really dated because we were younger and he was so nervous. 2 years after we left high school we hooked up and again a year later. We still never made a relationship out of it because he was unemployed he said he thought of himself as a bum and apologized to me. We haven’t seen each other in over three years, I now have a son. He found me through social media. Ever since then we have been texting almost everyday for the past two 1/2 weeks. He always initiates conversation whether he text last or not and calls me( I never initiate convo because I’m to confused). He tells me he misses me and how i was his high school love. He flirts with me like sends hearts, calls me love, and talks about the past when we were younger in school. (Surprisingly he remembers a lot). But he never flirts in a sexual manner i have tried once but he didn’t continue, I wanted to know what his intension were. He doesn’t like when I call him my friend, but doesn’t ask me out to see me or anything. Whenever he texts/calls me its during the day or telling me good morning. I don’t know why he keeps texting me or what he wants. Thank You for your help in advance.
I don’t know why either, Sarah. But I do know what I suggested in the article; if he’s not spending time with you and getting to know you in person then he’s not that interested. Read the article again. You’ll know what to do. ?? Bp
I met this guy a year ago and just rekindled this year. We’ve seen each other three times. Two of the three times were my invite him to do something . He did ask me out to dinner a few times but I couldn’t make it. After our last date, he keeps texting me but stopped asking me out though his texts said he missed me. What should I do
Find someone who is truly interested in getting to know you, Bobbie. It’s not this guy. There’s lots more everywhere. ?? Bp
Hi. So I met a guy at a night out almost a month ago, and we instantly hit it off, great conversation and chemistry. The problem he lives about two hours away. Two days after meeting and texting, he asks if I’m spontaneous and if I would like to go to his city for the weekend and he can show me around. So, I did and we spent two days together, but we didn’t sleep together. After that, it has been hard to see each other as I have work and he is finishing school and working, but we text almost every day with both of us initiating. I have asked him when he will come to visit me, and his response was ‘when he can get a free date’. It’s more and more in my head, if this is actually going somewhere or I am being strung along, but I don’t think it is good to have a conversation like that over text, rather in person? Thank you four your help.
No, I doubt it’s going anywhere, Adriana. Not if you just keep texting. What I would say is that texting is not relating. Your distance isn’t that far so it should be so difficult. If it’s really that hard to see each other talk on the phone or Skype or something. Have a conversation with him about whether he’s ultimately looking for a relationship or something casual. Learn more about him. Bp
Hi. Hope you can help. I met this really great guy online. First that i’ve ever truly connected with via messaging. We talk every day but its not like we text 24/7. Maybe a few in the morning and a few at night. We are trying to set up a day to get together (hopefully) this week but because of both of our work schedules we havent been able to narrow down a day and time but we both really want to go out. I dont know if i am reading to much into it or not. He seems like a really great guy and I like him so far but we havent narrowed down a time to go out. I am worried i am being strung along and will get hurt.
AS I said in my post, you Do Not know this guy. Stop fantasizing, ok Jennifer? It’s great if you end up meeting him and he turns out to be a nice guy. But until he actually sets it up and you meet, he’s not real. Don’t let some guy you don’t even know hurt you. Bp
I have been texting with a guy I met online for just about 3 months now. It started out with him sending me flowers to ‘set himself apart from the competetion’ because he enjoyed our conversations and my photos so much. We have had a very sexual relationship by phone, text and twice in person. We had a phenomenal time at a winery together. We live two hours apart and haven’t seen each other for about a month. We have texted or talked on the phone everyday. He says he wants me in his life but we can’t get a date to see each other. I’m beginning to wonder if he’s telling me the truth or not. It feels real…. but I’m afraid to get hurt if it’s not… HELP.
Okay, so I met this guy on a dating site and we connected and we met for coffee, connected in person and went out again the next day. I jokingly told him the first time we met that if he didn’t leave then he wouldn’t miss me (we had already made plans to meet again). Now he won’t stop asking me if I miss him and I don’t know what to do, we have known each other barely a week. I don’t know if he is continuing the joke or actually asking and I don’t know how to approach it to ask.
Hi May. Hahaha. You started it! ?? But seriously, just tell him that you’re looking forward to getting to know him. Then, that you were kidding about the missing thing…and you assume he is to, right? Something like that. No need to take it super seriously. Have some fun with it and see if he will go there with you. Bp
Hi there..pls demystify this situation for me. I met someone a few weeks ago. He was a friend of a client who travelled to our country on business. I ended up showing them our country and the sites. It became obvious to the group that he and I spoke to each other more often and we would always end up seperated from everyone else. I felt we connected even though we did not act on our ‘connection’.He asked for my number and we started skyping..mainly texting. We chat almost everyday and I know he is busy and so am I, but I wish it could go futher. He had asked me a few times to come visit their country so that he can spend time with me..he says he wants to show me around and i should not ask my business associates to do that. Is he in to me or also just playing it safe to suss out the situation. Or am I just stroking his ego.
Sorry, Geri, I don’t know. Sounds like he’s interested but you’ll have to ask him to learn more. Seriously, when you’re considering an LD relationship you must have excellent communication. It’s the only way it can work. That means you need to let him know your level of interest and see if he’s on the same page. Does he ultimately want the same thing(s) in life than you? Are your goals the same? It’s one thing to slowly get to know someone who lives in your city since you can see each other regularly. This is different. I can tell you this: a man’s not going to spend time with you and ask you to come visit him in another country because he’s stroking his ego. Doubt it. Keep getting to know him LD for now. Be open and honest with him and see if he responds accordingly. Keep your Grownup in charge. Traveling to another country is a big deal. And btw…what about him coming to yours? Is there a realistic way you two can actually go deeper and spend time together? These are things to (eventually) talk to him about. Hugs. Bp
Hi, glad I’ve found your site. Although am pretty sure I know the answer would just like your advice … met a guy 45 separated, dated 7 times over 10 months. We both have busy lifestyles running cattle properties. Hes 4 hours away and comes to town every 2nd weekend to spend with his kids. Long story short, he called it off as I wanted more than dinner drinks and a shag which was all I required at the time as was going through divorce. Hes a good man, true gentleman, great father and a businessman. His parting words were that if he was in a different stage in his life he would be at my doorstep constantly. 6 months later, see him at cattle show, we’re polite, he sends a text later that day asking if I would like to get coffee sometime. I say yes. Hear nothing. Another 6 months later he wishes me merry Christmas and we chat and he briefly mentions that hes been going through his divorce settlement, and asks me for a drink, we agree after the school holidays. 6 months gone and no drink. Meanwhile I’ve been dating other men, not too many get a second. I’m 45, tall, blond and quite attractive and dont have a problem getting men. However, this guy is the only man I would ever consider introducing my daughter to. Do you think hes just not ready or is he seeing if I’m still available to him.
Sorry, I can’t know the answer. You may never know either. Sounds to me like you’re hanging your hat on some guy you hardly know, Sarac. I suggest you give more thought to what’s realistic here. For whatever reason, he’s not available. My hope for you is that you keep dating and open up to other men. I’m sorry to say but I think you’re in love with a fantasy. Time to move on and find a Real Man who will make you happy. Best to you. Bp
Hi I started txting with a guy i saw on a dating site last year…we txtd for about 3 months…whilst the texting was good and became really very sexual which I’m not gonna lie I really enjoyed as I have been single for several years.
He would go off radar in the middle of conversations and on one particular day he txtd me i responded and heard nothing for 14 hours at which point I sent him a txt saying while that behaviour may be ok with some girls it was not with me.
Well that ended things….he didn’t reply so I sent a txt later saying I’m sorry had a bad day apologised…wish I hadn’t…no reply…couple of days later I humiliated myself again by telling him how much I liked him and everyone makes mistakes…no reply….he didn’t accept my apology.
Six months later I was on the same dating site and he messaged me again saying “long time” we got chatting again he then said” so would you like to begin again”? We have been texting for exactly a month now…
His behaviour hasnt really improved now he goes days off radar…unless we’re talking in a sexual sense…most if his txts are a few words…so just recently I had it out with him more or less saying…choose which way you want us to go end things or work things out… he chose and said I want to make a go of things with you…
But we seem to be going round in circles I sent him a txt after a txting situation that got out of control where we had role play which turned into punishment role play..ie he wanted to punish me i asked why he said cos he would enjoy it…i wasn’t keen so put an end to it saying I prefer pleasure to pain…
We didn’t txt for a week or so…then he came back with his usual one word txts “hello” or “boo “or just “morning” which drive me insane….ive even dropped a subtle hint that I find texting really jarring and prefer to talk on the phone to which he responded” we have done really well with flirting by txt so far” and that was that…
This guy is so different than the guys I would normally go for looks wise…the way he dresses from what I can see from his picture online anyway…
Sexually he is exactly right for me..his sense of humour is bang on…our exchanges are electric…when I look at other people online or in everyday life no one comes close…
I am very aware that this guy is not my boyfriend ..weve never met…ive gone so far as to research his star sign he’s a taurus/aries cusp I’m an aries/ pisces cusp…and all it says is that taurus males take things super slow and often observe a person’s behaviour before deciding if they want to commit and then once they have decided…they commit to you with everything they are…
It’s not about the waiting… I just don’t know if I’m being a fool again I read your blog and slot of what you say rings true I know it… I just don’t know how to verbalize through txt my standard without possibly ruining everything this could be the guy for me… please help your suggestion ‘re: sending him a message about wanting to hear his voice I’m afraid that if I do that I will scare him away as he hasnt made any attempt to do it for himself..and this laid back attitude I’ve had to portray is just meaning I don’t txt at all the have to appear as if I’m ok and happy when he does txt which I’m seriously not I’m sad inside…any help you could give as to what would be my best form of action to his txt silence now for about a day where mid conversation 9pm at night he simply went off radar again no goodnight or anything …no hoodmorning or any txt all day yesturday and it’s 12.21am now and still nothing….
I sent you a message a few weeks ago ‘re problems I was having with a guy ive been messaging online..had no reply from you it’s now been 2 weeks and still no message from him although when I go on the dating site he’d logged on a different times but just doesn’t message me….please help I’m feeling so sad is he just playing games? Or just thinking i will message him sooner or later seeing as I told him I liked him alot? Feel so low and like im a first class fool… I need some words of wisdom xx
Hi Angelina. If you sent a personal message, I don’t answer those. But I’m glad to answer you here. I’m going to say it straight: He’s not playing any games or wondering about you. He’s just moved on, which is exactly what you need to do. You didn’t know this man at all, right? Just some messaging doesn’t constitute knowing a guy enough to decide that you like him a lot. You likely like the fantasy of him that you have created. Look, I was where you are dozens of times when I was dating. I wish I had someone to tell me to knock it off.
That’s what I”m telling you. You are mourning over something that wasn’t a real thing. More like what you wished it could be. Give this some thought. I hope it helps. I hope you can start making choices based on face-to-face meetings and truly getting to know a man. That’s when magic happens. Bp
He is very nice and we have met once for lunch
Iam in a sexless and loveless marriage. And I craving attentionhe says I could be quite perfect match for him if anything ever happened between he and his wife
He never makes plans to see me and I feel like this is going nowhere
He says he just wants a friendship with me and i think that is fine but how are we having a friendship if I never see him
This has been going on since February and we have gone out once
Iam not in the position to end my marriage
What should you do about him, Lorrie? I don’t even see him as someone who is even in your life. He’s just a text buddy. Best to you. Bp
I have been in a texting email and telephone relationship for 3 months. He went away for 5 weeks after an operation. Ok he was making plans for Wimbledon, asked me to fly out to wherever he was (at my expense)saying ‘you will love it here and I want to walk with you holding hands on the beach and sexual references. I said I’m a lady and that we hadnt met. I never went of course. He was counting down the sleeps to our first date! We eventually met I was so nervous, he took me home. I never invited him in as I’m divorced but my husband lives in the house still so I can’t! He went home long distance and called me twice. I went away on the Monday and spoke to him on holiday. He said after the date he’d meet me two weeks later on a Sunday which I thought a bit strange. On holiday he rang me and my friend grabbed the phone from me and said hello to him. I think this put him off. I rang him after and we arranged the date for the theatre and meal. So a day later I was surprised to get a text saying he couldn’t see me on that date as babysitting for his grandkids. When I said when are we going to rearrange for then he said he’s babysitting the week after and after that he’s got to check with his daughters babysitting schedule. He is also going through a divorce. I was upset and after a bit more texting he said that ‘I am a lovely lady looking to settle down quickly and deserve that and he’s not after a commitment and wished me well and a safe journey home. I said I don’t know where this has come from and I’m not looking for marriage I’ve just got divorced. It’s all gone pear shaped and after another text or two I haven’t heard from him in a week. I text him once to say hope you had a good weekend and would be lovely to hear from you. Still nothing. Our relationship was texting mainly and a few calls we only met once but I was falling for him and miss our banter terribly. I want to talk to him but now afraid I’m pestering him. Plus why didn’t he want a 2nd date?
Please advise I’m so upset we had so much in common.
Sorry I can’t answer your question. To be 100% honest, I didn’t read the entire thing. I told you why in the article. You said that your “relationship” was mainly texting. Like I say in the article: that’s not a relationship. You don’t know him at all. He doesn’t know you. If he’s interested he will get in touch. Time to move on, live your life and look forward to meeting and getting to know the next guy. Just make sure you do it the REAL way – by spending time with him and talking. Bp
My situation is slightly different from described here because I am married, but need to get divorce for a long time now. My husband is very controlling, abusive and I am extremely unhappy. However, he makes very good living so i didn’t have to work and it’s very nice lifestyle I would never be able to explore otherwise. Now it seems almost impossible to find decent employment for me to get a divorce. I married for 14 years and decided to check what’s out there before i ruin that what I have. Anyhow, I met someone little bit over a year ago. He is younger, very attractive, and makes as much as my husband if not more. I told him right from the start I am married with children…So we talked, texted, met and the rest. I don’t love him ( but I would)…I love energy comes from him when I get close. It drives me insane…sexually. But then it didn’t go anywhere…He thought (or pretended to be stupid, he is very intelligent otherwise) I just can move in with him. Obviously never been married and has no kids to think like that. So when he can meet I can’t because children activities, weekend is out of question obviously. He works during a day and that’s only when i can meet. I thought if he really wanted me he would make it happen even if it’s difficult. So I ended this relationship 3 times already and I was pregnant during this period of time too, unintentionally. He didn’t mind me be pregnant with another man’s child. Nevertheless, I ended this. But he kept so persistently texting me and calling until I just can’t take it and answer. Of course, back in my mind I thought he must be serious. But I was expecting him to be my REAL (financial and emotional) support in getting a divorce and he is not there at all. I know he is jealous (for no reason) i explained that there is no feelings in my marriage and barely any sex. I met other men in a meantime who were willing to help and support me in this situation, but right chemistry wasn’t there.If he just gaming me why he just can’t leave me alone and move on someone else? Although, he didn’t want to have kids EVER (biological) and that’s why his other previous relationships all ended. Now he DOES want to have kids with me. I don’t get it…I know it’s not me special. He had chances to be really happy and lost it ONLY because of kids dilemma. At the end of the day he just don’t do actions… I would expect him to do regarding helping me. I now plan to end this again FOR GOOD (no back doors open) but doubts cross my mind: maybe I should keep in touch? although it takes too much time these texts and so on. Confusing…
Tonya, seems to me that it’s time to start depending on yourself instead of men. You are in a tough situation and waiting for some man to ‘save you’ ultimately won’t serve you. Learn more, work on your own resources and your self-esteem and respect. Only then will you end up in a loving, safe relationship. Good luck to you., Bp
I met a man a month ago who lives in Colorado; l live in Florida. He was just texting me and not calling, so l gave up on him and he kept on texting and when he didn’t hear from me, he called and wanted to know why he wasn’t hearing from me, so l told him that l’m not into texting unless l am leaving aessage. So he apologized and decided to call. He told me that he has been hurt by so many women and that he wants a woman who would love him and the way he loves her. He says that he really likes me and he just kmows that it would work with us. But, he continues to text me every day and calls me once or twice a week and when he calls, we are on the phne for 5 hours and he claims that this never happened to him before. He is hoping to meet me in June to see what happens. I am sick of the texting and l ferl that if he is interested, why not call me every day if there is no one in his life. I am getting bored and ready to give up. What do you think? Does this sound like a man who is interested?
Why isn’t he meeting you now? While there is the occasional – and I mean very occasional relationship that can develop this way, 99% don’t go anywhere. Why isn’t he coming to meet you NOW? And why is he deciding it can ‘work’ when he hardly even knows you? Is he being realistic or fantastizing? Even if he is interested, these are red flags. I suggest you have a grownup conversation with him. Ask him the question you asked me. Best, Bp
I’ve met a guy (40, me 31) on a dating site live in different countries, we flirt with each other and start emailing on the site right away then we started emailing out side this was on the first week the he asked for my number and started texting and he started calling me for 2 months and a half everyday (text all day and 5-8 phone calls through the day) he got depressed (family issues) but he still call me or text me to see how I was doing then we went back to normal, we even started sort of planning trips together, we laughed and had great conversations about everything then he got depressed again and he started to be distant and he always said he was sorry but he was feeling very sad and overwhelmed, the calls stopped but he kept texting me back that was for 3 weeks I decided to email him since he doesn’t call me or answer my calls he didn’t answer the email but he kept texting he misses me and he thinks about me but that he is sad because of the family, I haven’t got a text call or email back from him in 4 days nothing and I feel sad, don’t know what to do… He kind of gave me the impression that he “likes me” but I don’t know, we had plans to meet between June and August in person and I haven’t gone out or talked to other guys out of respect, not the kind of girl that goes out with other guys… Should I give him time, forget about the guy and move on, I really need an advice…
If you’ve read my article, Monica, you know the answer. Please don’t let yourself get caught up in feelings for a man you haven’t yet met. And especially one that disappears and comes back. Yes, move on. You want a man who has real potential to share time with and get to know. Best to you, sister. Bp
I met someone on a dating website while he was vacationing where I live, time didn’t permit for meeting in person. We’ve been texting for a month now and we say we are going to call each other but we haven’t yet. Am I wasting my time?
Yep. Promises don’t count. Devote your time to men who show up and who you can meet, ok? There are thousands of men out there. Please don’t waste your time on a fantasy, ok? Hugs. Bp
Very good advice. I agree with you the the guy only uses text and never offers a date to go out with you….Then for sure he is using the lady as his spare tire. She just sits in his trunk forever…Why should the lady accept that while she can get out of the trunk and be at the front passenger seat?
I love this analogy of the “trunk”. I have a guy that does this every month, or so. Says he’s checking on me. I don’t reply. We stopped talking when he never made IRL plans, but he will still send a text once in awhile. I don’t have time in my life for games
There’s this guy am dating, his 20yrs and we’ve been dating for passed a month now,and when he traveled missed him like crazy but when we got to chatting all the time I don’t miss him anymore but I still want to cus am afraid that if I don’t the relationship won’t work so what should I do??
We both on a dating site called Pof. He dropped me a line saying i look very pretty and attractive woman. I said thanks, so we exchanged messages for a week. And he asked me to meet him. I don’t no what to say because I was thrilled, because I never have a date from the dating site yet before. But any way I went he chose RSL club to meet near where I live. He all the way from the blue mountain which was 3 hours if you catch the train.
So we did met was a good first meeting he said I am more more attractive in person we talked for 6 hours we just talked about our self and everything. And he said he never felt to from a woman what he felt from me. He said he like me, love at first sight.
I couldn’t believe that I am receiving all those compliment.
And yeah and he still the same he said he loves me but it’s hard to believe knowing him he been through a lot of relationship. He is 57 and I am 55, until now I don’t know if I believe him, but once he called spend 1 to 2 hours just talking everyday 2 times a day. Bec. Works.
Awesome first date last Friday with daily texting since the date. We texted without meeting in person six months ago but I broke it off because I didn’t think I could handle dating someone with a child. But, we reconnected last week and I reconsidered. We had a great first date and he remembered the candy I like and brought that to the movie we saw. He planned it all. We had a lot of funny things in common too, somewhat serendipitous. Now it’s Wednesday and he has yet to ask me on a second date. Still, get the daily texts and funny cat videos. I’ve been getting mixed reviews from friends; some day to give up on it because he should be banging down doors to make plans with me. Others are saying give him more time. Others are saying I should ask him out. I’m inclined to give it another couple of days and then say something. If this was really the real thing, would I have to wonder. Help!
Give him a little more time. Meanwhile, keep living your life. If he’s interested he will connect. If not, he’s just not for you. There are other men who are! Bp
Been messaging this guy for over a week he asks if I want to go round to his house for coffee but I decline and say I’ve not met you yet. Then I said do you want to meet up for coffee he said yes , and that he is looking forward to it. .. but I text him good evening the other night and he hasn’t replied. What do I do?? Text later or wait for him to message me
Met a guy on match.com. Got the match standard want to met for coffee email. Responded. Polite convo back and forth. Have him my number if he wanted to call. He texted. Set up time to talk. Said he’s not great over the phone but set a time. He preferred meeting for coffee. Tonight he texted telling me about his day. I noticed twice he was judgemental and gossiping about others. Now I know not to share anything personal and that I don’t want repeated. So while havjng flaws doesn’t make him a no, how he communicates with me over the phone will help me understand him a lot. I really don’t want to met a man for coffee if I have no idea who he is. ??
Got it. Yep, each of us has to figure out the best ‘process’ for herself. You’re seeing flags, though, and it’s important that you’re aware like that. Good for you. On the other hand, I think it’s great that you’re going to talk with him further to learn more. Good balance of seeing clearly, yet keeping an open mind. ?? Bp
We have text a lot, and he really doesnt live that far from me.
Since our first meet, he has been keen to see me every day since then. I couldnt one night, but we did the next. We also have plans for tomorrow.
He bought me my fave chocolate bar which i feel was an excuse to come over to see me, unfortunately it was the night i couldnt make. More so due to the fact i was feeling he was just after sex. I dont feel that is the case anymore, nor did i deep down. I did bring this up to him – just to save us both time if that was what he was after. He isnt.
It feels like the real thing and i have been through so many dates – none of which i have allowed a kiss or felt anything. So i dont want to let myself get too invested into this incase its all due to the spark i have felt.
I dont mean im seeing this as a relationship, i just mean it as in someone who is actually dating material with relationship potential. Ive also told him im not one to just jump into bed with people and hes still keen to be around.
I met this guy on match.com. We messaged each other back and forth on there for a little before exchanging numbers. So we met up for coffee one evening and talked for hours. He initiated a second date and everything has gone well. He is very sweet and a gentleman. However, he hasn’t made a move to kiss me. I guess he is just being a gentleman? He doesn’t seem shy or anything like that. Also, he initiated a road trip for our third date (we are about an hour away from New Orleans, LA). But, I always contact him first whether it be via text or phone call. So, is he interested? Or, just looking for a friend? I’m confused at his signals.
Hi Tea. Hmmm, maybe you are in the friend zone. I want you to be with a man who initiates seeing you, sister. Here’s an article that gives you a good idea of what it looks like when a grownup man is really into you. During your road trip I’d have a grownup conversation with him about whether he’s looking for the same thing you are. Let him know that you’re dating to ultimately find love. See if he’s looking for the same. Also, read this article about flirting. I recommend that you let him know that you’re interested in him ‘that way’ and this will help! Last thing: stop initiating. Give him room to “be the man” and see what happens. Bp
I think him not trying to kiss you after two dates is great. The road trip sounds perfect for that.
Hi, I’ve been messaging this guy I met online for 3 weeks now. He seems like a really cool person and we have a lot in common. We have talked about meeting each other in person and have set up a date but he had to cancel because of work ( it wasn’t a last minute cancel). He asked me when would be another time to meet and I told him my availability. A few days later there is no mention of meeting up even though i’ve hinted at it. I’m I wasting my time, should I stop talking to him and move on?
Hi Shane, You read the post, right? If he’s just texting and not trying to meet you, he’s not that into it. Just be clear with him that you’re looking forward to meeting him in person soon. If he doesn’t step up, move on sister. There are a lot of men out there and I don’t want you to waste your time with one who isn’t looking for the same thing as you. Bp
I have someone I have been seeing and he has been travelling a ton. I want him to call. He texted this morning with a photo and a note asking how I am:
Him: Super fun night in nyc with my buddy, jim. How are you doing?
Me: You are so sweet to check in! I love the pic! Give me a shout when you have some time – we can swap stories and catch up, like what dirt Jim has on you ;-). Xoxo
It is not the first time I have asked him to call. Was that sweet and warm enough? I am not feeling like he is moving into pinged territory. If he texts again, can I just ignore him?
HI Tallgirl. No, don’t ignore! Be more direct: I love hearing from you but texting doesn’t feel like we’re actually connecting. I’d love it if you could also call me while you’re on the road. Nothing long…to say hello? Can we make that work?” Put it out there, sister, and give him the chance to say Y or N. You’ll learn a lot by his response. Here’s some more: http://datelikeagrownup.com/talk-man-something-thats-bugging/ Bp
So I met this guy online and we started off talking via messages, then went to texting and talking on the phone. We went on several dates and things seemed to be going well. Then all of a sudden the texts became less frequent, the phone calls even more scarce and we haven’t seen each other since the last date. After a week of not hearing from him, I sent a msg that simply said I enjoyed hanging out with him and that it’s unfortunate things didn’t work out. He responded and said that he thought I lost interest. I responded and said that I thought he lost interest. Since that interaction he sends a text every two days or so, usually responding to the one I responded to two days earlier. I liked him and thought we got on well. Is it bad to text him saying it is ok if he lost interest and let him know he doesn’t have to text me just to be nice? Or should I just not respond at all?
Guys don’t generally do things just to be nice, but he isn’t showing real interest. You’re doing the initiating, right? Move on, JC. Find a man who will give back what you are willing to give. That’s way more fun! ?? Hugs. Bp
I met a guy on POF and we spoke for about 30 minutes on the phone tonight. I then said I had to get off as I was expecting another call. He said he would like to talk again. He messaged me later on POF asking when we could talk again. I don’t want to talk again. I want him to ask me out on a date, dinner actually. If not, I am not interested in a chat buddy. I have not responded to his message on POF. Do I say I’d be interested in going on a date but am not interested in a phone buddy, or should I just not respond to his message?
Hi Susan. Wow, I think you’re being way quick to judge this poor guy. Perhaps he just wants to talk again so he can ask you out. I don’t know your past experiences, but to assume he just wants a chat buddy because he wanted to call you back once is being awfully tough. I encourage you to stay open and not make such quick decisions. You could miss a good guy this way. That said, if you talk again and he doesn’t ask you out, just tell him that you are online because you want to meet people. If he’d like to meet sometime he’s welcome to let you know. Bp
The fact he wants to actually call you again is a positive sign, in my opinion. It shows he’s interested in communicating with you properly. There are some people who don’t immediately proffer a date until they feel comfortable with the person they’re speaking to. He might be one of those. I would say give him a chance and see how things develop. As long as he’s not a serial same-one-liners texter, there’s some promise.
I agree with everything you say, but I met him online 2months ago (he is a far away relative, I’m eastern so it’s fine) and unfortunately he lives across the world. So I haven’t seen him in person yet.
Now I don’t like texting (chatting) online with the purpose of getting to know someone. I told him that and so we Skype every week or so. He made plans to visit me in about 3months. But he still texts me everyday, and although I love to receive his texts, I don’t want to create expectations or have a false feeling of connection. I told him that too.
So basically, I am not sure what I can do right now. If I say please cut down on the texts I think he would feel discouraged. He is quite a social guy and he has many friends of which he visits often and talks/chat to everyday whereas I am more of a person that can stay home all day and talk to no one and I would be totally fine and happy with that.
I’m a very realistic person, and I think if we haven’t met in person yet, we can’t get to know eachother (like you mentioned), so I don’t want to go in too deep over Skype because some subjects are better left in person.
He seems like an honest, caring and kind guy (we are both 25). And I am also aware that it can click online, but can fizzle in person.
I really appreciate/admire you replying to most readers, and would be happy to hear your thoughts on this. Thank you!!
Hi Audrey. You know, this sounds like it could ultimately be the real deal. It is true that you never know until you’re in the room together. But Skype is the next best thing. What I would do is ask him to Skype more and text less. Or just Skype more. People can use that to get to know each other pretty well. Ask him the important questions. Talk about each others’ lifestyles. Share stories about your upbringing and daily life. Have real conversations and get to know each other. If that goes well, then get in the same room with him as soon as possible! Bp
Thank you, yes you are right! I told him that I prefer Skype and now we do Skype more and are asking the important questions but also with jokes! Thanks for your kind advice and the time and effort you put on this site! Ps I think he could be the real deal too -exciting! (If not, that is fine too hah)
I’m so happy to hear this, Audrey. Way to go! You are so welcome.
You always say to mirror. I want to know if this is good mirroring or too much.
Went on a date, went to shooting range and dinner, slept together for first time, and this is his follow up that night (late sunday).
“What an awesome time I had with you! Thanks for getting together with me, hope we can do something less “explosive” next time (other than shooting). Have a great week!”
“Hi there handsome! The feeling is super duper mutual – thanks for my naughty smile today ;-). I look forward to it, pretty sure you and i could make hanging out in a paper bag fun ;-)! Xo”
It is now wed and I have not heard from him. Was i too interested?
Sorry, I don’t know. I don’t think there is such thing as being too interested. There is deciding he’s The One too early; before you actually know him very well. There is definitely sleeping with him too early. (We’ve all done it, but it’s really dumb. Hardly ever turns out positive.) If he’s disappeared, I’m really sorry. But you may never know why. Learn from it though. I don’t recommend that you sleep with a man until you can talk clearly about safe sex and about your relationship. Make sure he sees your relationship the same way you do and is willing to have a grownup discussion about it. And if he can’t, don’t jump in bed with him. It will keep you from this awful feeling. Best… Bp
I met a guy online and we chatted once on the phone and were messaging for almost a month. Because of Xmas and him moving, I had visitors then travelled and his sister and family came to live with him, we never actually got a chance to meet. He asked me out on dates a couple of times but I couldn’t due to the above mentioned things. Then his messages drop off a little and after I returned from travelling away I said I hoped to meet him that weekend. He made an excuse about being too busy with moving but would see what his family were doing and if they had plans and he’d get back to me on Friday…. nothing. So I got the picture, he wasn’t interested but thought I will give it one attempt. So I messaged four days later and he replied casually but no plans etc. so I gave up. Then ten days later he sends me messages apologising for dropping off the Face of the earth and that he has had a few dates with someone else and wanted to ‘update’ me and could we still be friends.
I don’t know what this is all about but I don’t feel it really warranted and explanation nor an ‘update’ as it was obvious he wasn’t interested. It’s made me feel a little crap because he never actually gave me the time of day in the end to meet me and then throws in the ‘lets be friends’ to maybe keep me on the wings as a just in case option??’. This was five days ago and I haven’t replied. I’m. It angry, upset or annoyed- I just have no idea what to say or if I even feel like it warrants a reply because a. We aren’t friends, b. You’re dating someone else and dropped off the face of the earth c. I am a single mum who has a business and works part time- I don’t have time to waste on people who are playing games or keeping me in the wings. I thought initially it was honest of him to at least give an explanation but it’s weird as well?
What do you suggest I do? If anything? I mean, he’s seeing someone else so why would he care about my response?
You already know what to do, Cara: nothing. You’re right that you don’t need him to be your friend. Move on to a man who is interested in getting to know you and who doesn’t play games. I think this will help you: http://datelikeagrownup.com/why-does-he-keep-disappearing/ Bp
If you just start to date a man casually, if he texts you on special holidays like Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, does that mean he views us in a special way. I would have never initiated the texts because it seems so boyfriend/girlfriend and don’t want to send the wrong message if we’re casual. Granted he may be sending it to others but it did make me feel very special. They weren’t short texts but nice and long enough to say thinking of you, hoping you are having a nice time with your family, etc. It made me happy.
As I mention in the article, Courtney, what matters is that a man makes an effort to see you and get to know you. I know it makes you happy, and it may mean he thinks you’re special, but I want you to be happy when a man shows real interest. Don’t you want to special enough to be someone who he wants to see and be with? Please read this article, it may be something like what is happening with this guy. http://datelikeagrownup.com/why-does-he-keep-disappearing/ Hope this helps. Bp
Thanks for response. Interesring article. Never heard of pinging. We do spend time together when we can. He travels for work and so do I but at least 1x a week. When we’re together, he treats me really well. He has a huge emotional wall from an ex cheating on him. So it’s slow but I just got out of a long relationship so it works. I just think someone who is doesn’t express his emotions openly and shows through actions. He’s in his 40s and is a kind, traditional guy and wouldn’t lead me on. But wanted to gauge your thoughts on texts on special holidays have any meaning. Thanks again.
Ah, I see! Well yes, if you are seeing each other regularly then I think it does have meaning. He is thinking about you. If you’re not in a rush, and neither is he, it’s a good situation. Take your time and get to know each other. If you haven’t yet told him, be sure to tell him that his thinking of you on special days makes you happy. Enjoy, Courtney! Bp
I met this guy on talktostranger. We have been texting since October non-stop, he tells me that he likes me we talk about what we’ve done throughout the day. I received a picture from him when we first started texting, but he said it was an old one. He then goes on and says that he is thinking about me and I just adore him, but he says that he is shy and won’t send me any updated picture of his face at all. He will send me pictures of his body even his private parts, but when I ask him to send me a picture of his face he avoids me. We’ve even video chatted, but he covered the camera up. I’ve waited for months to see what he looks like and actually told him this morning that I would really like an updated picture of him so that I can put a face to our text messages. I received no response to the text. By the way he lives in the UK and that’s why we’ve never met up. Should I just move on? It sucks because I really like this guy.
Sending pics of his junk? Yes. Move on. Sorry you have to ask. ?? Bp
1) If he was that interested in you, he would actually arrange with you to meet in person, particularly as he’s so ‘shy’ to show you his face.
2) The fact he’s hiding what he looks like now should tall you that he’s hiding something else.
3) How can he seriously expect any type of relationship to develop with a paper bag constantly on his head?
4) What respectable person sends genitalia snaps to somebody they’ve only met briefly?
5) You’re best off finding people who are comfortable, open and honest with themselves (and you) to show themselves to you.
I chat with a guy via whasapp for 4 months and we only met up twice. We have been texting everyday throughout these 4 months about 3 to 4 times and most of the time without fail. The messages are always long and we chat about anything. I feel that we have some connections and mutual feelings. But recently, his messages take very long to reply. Is being busy an excuse? Does it mean that he is not interested anymore? Should I just ignore him and get over with it? Should I tell him how I feel?
Hi July, Maybe he’s just busy; I don’t know. Like the article says, though, texting — even long texts — is not dating. If he’s serious about getting to know you he will spend in-person time with you. Bp
I’ve been talking to this guy on and off for the past 3 months. At first it wasn’t serious, it was just a flirty but appropriate type of conversation. After a month, he told me: “i want to take you for lunch once i get back from my holiday”. We texted whilst he was on holiday however when he came back after one week, he became a bit distant. He wasn’t really communicating as how he did beforehand. I didn’t really chase it, rather i stopped talking as well. He would compliment me on my photos on social media and that was about it. I found out via social media (wasn’t connected with him on that particular site) that he got into a relationship a week after he came back from holiday. That was enough for me to say to myself who cares just move on, in which i eventually did. I feel like that relationship he was in didn’t last as there was no sign of that girl anymore on social media. After about 6-7 weeks, he started initiating a conversation with me and i responded normally. One day we were texting throughout the whole day and he formally and directly said that he wanted to meet me as he was interested in me. He asked me if i was interested in going out on a date with him and i agreed with a bit of enthusiasm! There was no dullness in my response nor overly excited response – i do believe it was appropritae. Now my issue is he did not immediately make plans for us nor ask me when i was free rather we just agreed we would go have dinner. No set date, no plans, no nothing. It only has been one day since it happened but is that normal? How long is it appropriate to wait? Should i confront him about it and just move on? Am i reading too much into it. I do want to see what his personality is like (i have seen him before but never spoken to him). Thank you!
Hi Cassandra, Don’t wait At All! If he’s really interested he will ask you out with specific plans. Until then, live your life. This guy is just a fantasy right now. Don’t get hooked on a fantasy, ok? Bp
So met this woman online, we exchange few emails and at about the same time I was to go away for a week and told her when I get back we can plan to meet. I reach out to her after getting back and it worked out that she had her kids away one day during the week. She picked a place near where she lives and we decided to meet. We had a great chat, enjoy our dinner, talked about everything in the 90 minutes or so. I definitely liked her and mention that I would love to see her again. She decided to call Uber and I did offer her ride but she wasn’t comfortable so didn’t pressure. Anyway we waited while uber came, we kissed, held her hand, got her in the car and said good bye. I mention to her to text when she gets home. Didn’t hear from her but texted her a while after I got home saying “hope you got home ok. I had a great time and i hope you did too, I would love to do it again.” Didn’t hear from her back and then she reply the next night saying ” it was nice meeting you but i am afraid the difference in age and life experience is little too much. Good luck to you”. Before i forget she is 42 (2 kids) and i am 35 ( no kids).
My dilemma is I really liked her and I thought we had a great evening together. we mainly agreed on what we are looking for etc. Trying to see if I should reach out to her again or just let her go. Definitely felt good about her and would love to see where it goes if anywhere but kind of lost right now after her text message. Dont want to be messaging her and come across as needy or anything. Your reply would be greatly appreciated.
I don’t think you have anything to lose by messaging her. Just let her know that you understand that you have those differences, but it’s rare you meet someone you feel you can connect with and that you’re attracted to. (Or whatever feels true to you here.) Share that you’d like to try one more date to get to know a little more about each other. Ask if she’s open, and if not you understand but feel you two might be missing out. Be kinda casual like that. Don’t tell her how amazing she is or how much you like her. Don’t go overboard, in other words. Best! Bp
Bobby, i went out with an old colleague last night and it got flirty. We had tons of fun and he texted me this morning with:
“Super fun to see you last night, lisa – you are good company! Have an awesome weekend, and let’s find a time to get together again soon.”
My response “You are so sweet! I had such a great time with you! I would absolutely love to do it again (upping the ante with guns of course ?? )! Sending you good vibes today! Xo.”
The guns was an inside joke and the vibes were for he had something major happening.
Was i supposed to suggest a time or say something about let me know when you are free. I feel confused and if i was encouraging enough. Thoughts?
HI. Nope, you did what you should do. Now leave the ball in his court. Go on and live your life. He will get in touch with specific plans when/if he chooses to. And, if not, it’s not necessarily about you. You have no idea what’s going on in his life. Stay fun and happy. If it’s not Him, it’ll be someone. Bp
So Ive been “talking” to this guy I met online for a few weeks, mostly texting but we had phone conversations. I was receiving the good morning text and we had converstations throughout the day. He mentioned meeting up one weekend but that never happened. We continued speaking after the new year but now I notice a distance with him. I asked him when we will finally meet and he said he will call me and we can set something up. We spoke after that but it was because I was reaching out to him. My last text to him was call me when you get a chance because he was sick and his response was “ok babe” that was last Sunday. Im not going to reach out anymore I think he’s no longer interested and doesnt know how to tell me. Or should I reach out?
Nope, don’t reach out Crissy. A man who is interested will show you. If he doesn’t, it’s time for you to move on. There are a lot of guys out there!! Bp
I recently met someone on BUMBLE and we have been texting non stop and we met up two weeks ago and had so much fun! We still text non stop and enjoy each other but we made plans for the following week after our date and he said he was too tired and so exhausted and that he feels terrible. So he wanted to reschedule. We rescheduled to last night and I go all the way to the resturant where we were meeting and he texts me “ya tonights not gonna happen” and i asked why? He said he missed his exit and blew his front tire trying to make it to the exit after he realized he passed it.
This guy keeps giving me hopes that we are gonna see each other by saying we will hang out again and everything and texts me all day and night.
I texted him this morning saying when are we gonna try to hang out again and his response really bothered me… “”um, dont know we will figure out a time and place..”
Emily…move on! This guy isn’t interested in a real thing with you. He’s a jerk. Who sends a text like that after standing someone up? I hope you can start taking better care of yourself and not allowing a guy to treat you like you’re not at all important. You ARE. It’s time you start realizing it. Bp
hi bobbi I needed advice im 25 years old ,I met this guy 2 months ago while out for the night, we talk everyday and he the one who texts me first mostly. we’ve been on 2 dates going on 3 potentially this week but he rarely asks me out I even asked him out on the second date. he make little remarks like what are you doing tonight and ill tell him nothing and he still doesn’t ask me to do anything. we’ve had a date every 2/3 weeks so far which is a long gap in between. is he actually interested or am I being strung along ?
If you’re asking, girlfriend, then he’s not that into you or he’s just not a gentleman at all. Stop asking him and see what he does. Better yet, move on and start realizing that when guys are interested, they will ask. Unless you just want to “hang out” all the time (instead of finding a boyfriend), start letting them ask you! Bp
I met a guy on POF this weekend. We sent a few emails and then immediately started texting. I was immediately attracted to him and he said I was his dream girl and that he was gonna put some serious time into me. After the first few emails just telling him about me, he also said he was gonna marry me. Now the first day we texted alot. The next day the texts started to taper off, but they were long texts. He wanted to get together but I was out of town, so we continued to text. Today (day 3) I texted him this morning he responded and then I texted him again at lunch and then after I got home from work. The last text was very short. I made a joke that he wasnt to chatty today. His response was “Im past the texting stage, when are you coming over.” So now we have made plans to hang this weekend as we are both single parents. Did I miss something? Should I try calling to see if he interested in an actuall phone convo. Am I wasting my time or is it too early to tell. He hasnt logged back on to the dating site since we started talking. We are both 33 years old and single parents. HELP WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT. I havent been on a date in years and havent dated for quite sometime. Maybe im missing something.
“When are you coming over” is not asking a woman out. It’s far from it. How about saying “I agree. I’d like to see you. How about you taking me to dinner or for a walk?” Yah, it’s old fashioned. But it works. Let him show HIS interest and act like a gentleman, Gennell. And I strongly discourage you from just going over to some guy’s house that you don’t even know. I know it’s been a long time and that being parents makes it harder. Be patient, though. Showing that you respect yourself and taking care of yourself attracts GOOD men. The jerks will fall by the wayside. Bp
I agree never take the bait to join him at home or invite him over. Always meet in a safe place to really see if he is all talk and no bark lol. Men love to lead women on them go for the grab, another thing never tell a guy you haven’t dated in a while bc they will prey on your weekness. Good luck you got this just finish it!
I’m happy that you are trying to support others here, Glofton. I agree about not going to his place or inviting him over until you know a bit about him. However, I don’t agree with your cynical and non-trusting characterization of men. Maybe you’re talking about 25-year-olds? That’s not who we talk about here. The grownup men I help women meet aren’t sex-starved, manipulative boys. Sure, there are still some of those out there, but not generally…no way. Bp
I need just a touch of man advice, I am texting a guy i met when I was working as a server in a bar a two weeks ago. He and his wing man informed me it was his birthday and asked about a free beer after i told them that wasn’t a thing he said” what about your number” this all happened after we had been echangeing lingering glances for a while. I have him my number which is rare for me to do, we have been texting every day for the last two weeks with the exception of Christmas. We have hung out three times and have another date planed for this weekend. Should I be concerned we’re mostly texting even though we are spending time togeather in person?
Oh when togeather we have pleasnt conversations but it seems like were both either shy or aqward, so far he has had only the best manners.
Sounds kinda nice to me. Texting is fine when you’re also getting to know each other in person. He may be hanging back because he’s not sure you’re interested. Here are some tips to help you let him know that you’d like to keep getting to know him. http://datelikeagrownup.com/have-fun-flirthing-4-ways-to-do-it-with-flair-and-class/ Enjoy!! Bp
I had posted a selfie on Facebook and an old guy friend back from my teen days saw it and liked it, the he sent a friend request. I figured why not? About 10 min after I accept his request he messaged me, we then began to text and talk every day for weeks. It became very flirt and lots of innuendos, but our schedules didn’t allow up to meet up. Then last Friday, after texting all day I told him I can come over and he gave me his address and I went… I dressed very nicely and makeup was perfect. I got there he met me outside we talked, flirted and drank wine for hours then before I left we hugged goodnight and he asked I text him that I got home safe. He said he had a good time,I did too.. I thought we clicked but the next day he never texted, that night he posted on Facebook his cell stopped working and that’s why he couldn’t contact anyone… But today I messaged him a happy new year, he replied it back but that’s it… No personal message. Am I wasting my time?
Yup. When a man is interested he reaches out and tries to spend time with you. I see a red flag that you didn’t go inside his home, btw. Move on. You did what you could and now the ball’s in his court. And if he doesn’t run with it, it just means he wasn’t a good potential guy for you. Next! Bp
I went on a date with this guy (only one time), and we had a great time. We started texting for days after that date, and he mentioned that he wants to go out again. He suddenly stopped texting, and now he’s back after 4 months. I just received a text message from him saying “Hey, how have you been?”. What should I do? Should I reply? Should I ask him why he stopped texting me and why he’s reaching out to me again?? There’s so many questions in my mind right now. Can you please help me?
Hi Mary. SOmetmes there can be good reasons a guy disappears. If you weren’t serious before and he wasn’t being a chump, yah…give him another chance — with boundaries. Find out if he’s interested in the same type of relationship as you and truly getting to know you. If he is, and clearly so, try again but with no second chances. if he’s not or can’t say what he wants, move on. I believe in hearing people’s stories and trying to understand them. Then it’s on you to take care of yourself when you decide if you are going to let them back into your life. If so, Proceed with caution and your self-esteem intact. Bp
Hi, I’ve been single for 5 years following my divorce and am a single mum. I met a nice guy 3 weeks ago after I bought a car from him. We clicked straight away and chatted lots and discovered we had lots in common. Within an hour of leaving the car showroom (with my new car) he rang to ask if I got home safe and would I like to go for a drink? I haven’t been asked out in 5 years and it felt like fate had thrown me a good guy who was single, no kids and lots in common… He then started texting every morning with ‘hi beautiful’ and general chit chat for a few days. We agreed a day to go out after Christmas but then he disappeared from txt. I gave him a nudge after a day and he txt to say he’d been busy. Then the complimentary texts started again for a couple of days. Then over Christmas weekend he disappeared, which is fine as he was with his family and I’m with mine, although my children are with their father this year so I was looking forward to hearing from the guy. Now our date is meant to be tomorrow and I have heard nothing for 4 days, not even a time to meet or where. He was so keen and complimentary and sounded so genuine but I guess it was a game. It’s sad because I really thought someone was interested after all these years and it’s a massive let down. I’m not nudging him again as I don’t want to look desperate. I don’t know why he disappeared but what do I do if he texts on the day of the date to meet?
HI Maria, I know this kind of thing feels crappy, but it wasn’t necessarily a game, nor probably anything about you. There are a ton of reasons why a man may flake out: biz, another woman, health, his dog died…you never know. Yes, it was jerky of him not to at least contact you and cancel, but unfortunately, this happens. Don’t take it personally, ok? And know that he WAS attracted and did enjoy you. Otherwise, he never would have shown any interest. Keep being open and trying to meet men. There are so many terrific men out there! This is just one guy who didn’t know you at all. Hugs, Bp
Hi Bobbie. Met a guy on Friday…my birthday. He saw me at the hair salon, and asked my hairdresser who I was. I had gone across the street to meet my friend at a bar for dinner/drinks. My hairdresser txt me to tell me he liked me, and he came over. He ended up hanging out all night. He’s 48, never married, no kids. I’m 47, never married, no kids. We talked, kissed, and he fed me pretty words, like he knew I was something amazing and he’s never felt this way. I told him to take it slow and see where it goes. He made plans to see me on Monday, cause he couldn’t wait to see me again… while we were at the bar. I told him I hoped he wasn’t a texter and would call like a man. He’s been texting everyday since Fri. Nothing major, just how’s ur day stuff. Today, he txt me about going out on Fri this week. I’m thinking…what happened to this Monday, tmrw? If he liked me, he wouldn’t wait a whole week. I told him I was unavailable due to xmas eve. He then said, how about a day the following week…that’s 2 weeks after he met me. I said no, I’d be away for the holidays. Then he txt and said what about this Tuesday then, if not then after the holidays? I said ok for Tuesday. He said he’d come to my Neck of the woods.
So…am I being too cautious that this guy is looking for just a fling? Im no fling. I thought a guy that likes u, would call and would not want to wait a wk or 2 to see a girl he really liked and said he had a connection with…and he told me he knew we were going to fall in love one day. Glad he moved it to Tuesday, but he would have waited until after NYErs. Am I wasting my time?
I don’t know enough to know if you’re wasting your time, Laurie, but I DO know that you have some unrealistic expectations. You don’t know what’s been going on in his life, right? It’s the holiday season and he could have a lot going on. You just met! If he is staying in touch and asking you out, go and get to know him a little. Sure…it shouldn’t be that long between forever, but have some patience. You never know what can turn out! Hugs, Bp
About three weeks ago I met a girl in my college class, acquired her number because we had volunteered to do a presentation together. Texting started off about the presentation and then she additionally mentioned she was at a talent show and that was why it took a while to text back – I replied in a joking way inquiring more information and then the conversation became more in depth (nothing about school). We started asking more personal questions and really had good conversation. Texting stopped for a week and she reached out for some guidance on an assignment, then the texting went back into a friendly/flirty dynamic. So the day came and our presentation was up and we absolutely nailed it, and after class I asked her on a formal date, she was taken back because most people our age do things via text, and excitedly said yes. Texting stopped that night due to us both being busy with finals coming up. That Sunday, I texted her about her schedule and asked if she liked certain types of food, and followed by Ill get a plan together and get back to you then sparingly texted. I stopped answering and she texted me the next day and conversation continued, and asked her if this day during the week worked. We went out on the scheduled day around noon and mutually had one of the best dates Ive ever had and had been single for about a year and half prior to this date. The date was only intended to be a few hours and then we were going to study, we talked continuously with no interruption for hours on end, opened up and really connected on all levels not just physical attraction. We ended up studying after that and I dropped her off and ended the night with a meaningful hug (instead of kiss), and both wanted to go on another date. I sent her a text afterwards joking about something we discussed and kept the texting to a minimum. The next day after our final, I expressed to her how I felt and how I like her not just her external looks but her good heart, morals, and so on. She agreed that she’s never met someone she’s connected with like that, and since break came up I offered to go to her state for her to show me around and she wanted me to and also offered to come to me for a date in a place that we talked about in our date the prior day. Hugged her again and really cant stop thinking about her. Haven’t texted her since, and Im not sure if I am making a mistake by doing so, but I feel that texting isn’t really necessary right now because we both feel mutual. Was going to text her in a few days when she gets home and schedule the next date. Am I making a mistake by not texting her now or making a good decision?
A work colleague and I have been on 3 dates in a few months. We’ve known each other for about 2 years. Up until this summer, he was engaged. We connected beautifully and a very wonderful communication ensued. We both work in the tourism industry and for us that means work almost every day. He told me the engagement ended in good terms and that he was neither ‘healing/mourning’, but that it was complete. From the get-go he said he enjoyed our ‘pacing’ and that he was building his friendships/community back here (the past relationship was out of town).
He was clear that he was trying to get back on track with finances (things incurred with the ex), working on a very big change happening at work, and wanting to see his mother, he was also in a car accident that totaled his vehicle.
We exchanged flirty and thoughtful messages, photos. Every communication was initiated by him. He even said he was missing me. After the dates he immediately contacted me to say what a wonderful time he had. All this filled with kisses and cuddling.
I made him cookies and had them delivered a little while back. He thanked me once by text. Again, in person in front of a tour group and AGAIN in front of another tour group with a GIFT (something very thoughtful that only he knew about). He proceeded to say what a wonderful person I was. My heart melted and I was so caught off guard, I almost cried. I told him he had a kiss coming his way and that I was looking forward to seeing him again soon. He responded with a smiley face.
And since then he’s only texted me. When I make subtle hints of seeing him again, he doesn’t make a plan like before. I’ve mirrored his efforts and pulled back as well. He texted me and I waited to respond. When I did, he told me he was sick. So, I delivered a care package on his front door. His response was unbelievably appreciative and thoughtful, calling me “Wonder Woman, Super Woman and a beautiful human”. I checked in on him 2 days later and he responded telling me he was getting better and how grateful he was of my thoughtfulness. He called me amazing.
I left it alone until he texted me again just this week. Him: Hi! How are you? Me: good.
Next night. Him: sending you lots of love and warmth. Me: Thank you.
I made a move a couple of days later and sent him a photo and said: I wish we were cuddling right now. He said: what a beautiful picture!
This is a person who has a very good reputation and we have very many professional connections and friends. I don’t know details of the break up, but they are still friends and her and her son and it was a long relationship. I have played it cool as I know we’re not bf/gf and just getting to know each other. I’m sad however, that the excitement is gone.
Hi Carla, Can’t begin to tell you what’s going on with him but it seems he’s just not ready to date. Don’t know if it’s you, or if it’s just anyone. Doesn’t really matter. Unfortunately, it’s just not happening.
A lot of times we fall for an IDEA of who a guy might be instead of who he really is. I understand that it feels sad but I want to remind you that you really don’t know him very well and although he showed some interest, you weren’t in any real relationship. He obviously appreciates you, but he has stuff going on. Give up the fantasy and move on. If he shows up again in a REAL way – meaning he wants to spend time with you – maybe you might give him more attention. But for now, find a guy who appreciates you AND wants to get to know you in a real way, ok? You deserve it, sister. Bp
I started chatting with a guy from a dating site. Instant connection and fun messages. After about 40 or so messages a phone number was exchanged. Every day conversation continues with good Morning, have a great day for two weeks it seems. Eventually I said it would be amazing to put a face to a name after he said we should get drinks some time. Importu drinks were scheduled followed by happy hour the next day. I may have suggested hey why don’t we do drinks and in a second he’s like yeah… and well the rest is history.
Communications continue everyday without a phone call. Emails exchanged spending several hours conversing daily. A few selfie exchanges and requests to do different activities without a date set. For instance going to see a concert, doing a race coming up. I find it hard to gage interest when it’s been a week and I haven’t been asked out after our fun evenings out and about. He always starts the conversation everyday, with exception to yesterday when I emailed…
Not sure what to do here, as it’s very enjoyable both in person and on the phone to talk. I’ve suggested that I’d love to get to know him beyond the texting. Lol… he replied we have and you will.
My question is what is he waiting on, it’s driving me crazy. Anytime I suggest something he’s like we have to do this. Or if I say I haven’t done something he’s like we need to go there. Are these plans or just leading me on to say the least.
Hi G2bjillie. I see a Big Red Flag here! Like I say in my article, simply texting (and even just phone calls) don’t mean much. It’s all about meeting and spending real time together. My suggestion, Tell him you’d like to meet up or stop communicating. I’m worried he’s playing some game with you and I don’t want you to waste your time or your emotional energy.
One more thing: Remember that you DO NOT know him at all. You’re getting hooked on what you are imagining or fantasizing…the IDEA of him. If he doesn’t step up to meet you, then move on, sister. You won’t be losing anything. Go find a man who wants a real relationship, ok? Hugs. Bp
We have actually met on 3 different occasions, but that was a week ago. I’m not really sure what to think
Oh sorry! I missed that in your first message. So it’s only been a week? Oh gosh…so I would let him know when he texts that you enjoy hearing from him and really look forward to spending time with him again. There may be a reason he’s not making plans right now. Maybe he’s unusually busy? Who knows. Do let him know you consider face-to-face time the best way to get to know each other and that you’d like to do that. Bp
Okay so I have known this guy since high school and we still live in the same town. I have been texting him for around 2 years. I know that seems like a long time, but when I first started texting him he had just gotten out of a long term relationship. He moved away to go to attend some schooling and I did not see him very much during that time. Now he has been back for over a year since he is now attending a closer college. We have been on one date for lunch about a year ago. It was nice, but we never have been able to do it again.
From texting him I am receiving mixed messages. At times he seems particularly interesting in what I am doing and what is going on in my life. Other times he is very bland. He always texts me back though, so he doesn’t leave me hanging and he also sometimes send the first text to start a conversation.
I would truly like to have a few more dates with him, but I feel that he is not ready to make a commitment and that is why I think we have only been on the one date. From what I can tell he has had his heart broken twice and that is the reason I think that he is afraid to have a relationship with me. We already know that we like eachother, I just don’t know what to do about getting him to go dating again. I feel like if I text him and ask him if he would like to meet up or go to a movie or something that it would scare him away. I do like this guy a lot. I also don’t want to lose my friend relationship with him if we do not end up a couple.
Should I make a move by asking him out or should I continue to be silent and wait for him? I just don’t want to miss out on a chance to be with him.
Also for the years I have been texting him, he has been single.
Do nothing, Sally. He knows how to find you and he will when/if he’s ready. Move on to a man who is available and interested, ok? Hugs, Bp
I met a guy through my job (he was/is a patient) and we played “tag” for over a year and we just recently exchanged numbers. We’ve been texting everyday for about a month now but no date. In his first text he expressed that he wanted to “catch up” sometime. He’s a great guy inside and out. Very busy though. Most wknds are occupied with helping others (family, church, etc) & during the week I have my 6 yr old son. We’ve discussed my child, his niece/nephew, chk in daily but no date yet or even a mention of a date.
What can I do?? I would really hate to miss out on such a great guy and I’d hate for him to miss out on a great woman. Please help!
Hi Mechelle. I wouldn’t keep up with the texting…it’s not getting you anywhere. Let him know that you are enjoying getting to know him better, and that your experience is that the real way to do that is to be face to face. Would he be open to figuring out how you two could do that? If he’s too busy to even meet with you, then he’s certainly too busy for any kind of relationship. If this isn’t going to turn into a real opportunity to get to know each other, I suggest that you move on. This will get in your way of being open to other men who may be more available and potentially better for you. Best to you! Bp
I met a guy at work…he is my teammate……I kind of like him (have never dated)… he does hv the qualities I would prefer….and we text a he lot about everything frm ourselves to our families….he also did take my side during issues wich cropped up at office ……. We have asked each other abt our dating lives in jest..I don’t know what he thinks about us…plus I hv issues to sort out….this is driving me crazy on what direction to take…whether to ask him outright…..and even if v do confess I don’t know whether I ll be b able to handle it…I am scared whether I ll regret if I don’t act upon.. ….v both prob aren’t gonna be at this company for a long time .
Your article was a big help for me to understand more on this whole texting and dating thing going on. Actually I have met a guy from online and were chatting for like 7 months. Finally we get to meet up for dinner and started hanging out for other activities like 3 times a week at least. We have been hanging out as such for the past 3 months and I am confuse now. I am not sure what he’s looking for in us and I don’t even know where this whole thing is headed to.
I met this guy on a Saturday night, I was out clubbing with my friends and he happened to be in the same place I was.
We started talking and he asked for my number. After then he texted me everyday and he asked me on a date, which we actually had and apparently we both had a great time.
After a few days I asked him if he wanted to see me again and he responded yeah sure.
I contacted him a few days later asking him if he still wanted to keep in contact with me and he told me that he loves talking with me, that he really likes me, but also that I am also someone who needs engagement and he does not fell like committing since he just got out of a 9 years relationship and since he’s in the marines, in two moths he’s going to be transfered in a different city, quite far from where we live, for 8 months.
After this conversation I stopped texting him, and then after exactly a week from our last conversation he texted me.
We talked but I acted like I was not interested anymore.
Two days after I am still wondering why he contacted me, and I really would want to know what his intentions are, since I really like him.
I was starting getting over him, but this text just changed everything, and I don’t know what to do.
Vanessa, Like my coaching says here…don’t put too much significance on a text. When he calls and asks you out, THAT is what counts. Move on to a man who is available and truly interested. Best..Bp
Now me and this guy have a connection and we know it, have knowen for a while he is in a long term relationship and so am I… We both have rockey relationships… And we happened to confide in each one evening as we were all catching up he’s friends with my partner… Any how we needed up alone and I was expressing my feelings about my partner in a responsive way about a thing he brought up about his partner (our partners are alike also lol) anyway I lent in to kiss him and he returned it he had been waiting for it and it got passionate from there but not the full monty lol… Anyway we came to a mutual agreement of it being casual after the typical if I had of meet you earlier rah rah ya know lol anyway we were both happy with this… Yet since then he’s started texting me everyday and finds any excuse to come over… I know he likes me and its mutual I’m just not too sure how to go about it all… I don’t want to be rude and not text him but I’m thinking he’s getting a little more deeper into this insteed of casual he always texts me to ask how my day been, if he can help me with anything and goodnight… I wish I could have him and he’s said the same I just don’t know how to go about this or how to read him past the whole I know he likes me
I been talking toot his guy for a month we went out, but then he hasnt texted since. I assume hes busy work, and school i won’t bug i said a “hello” but then didn’t get a response, we had coffee the day before maybe hes playing the hunting game how long till i say ” good bye.”move along generally, hell text every day, or a lot…
me not so much. i know how the game work he says he wants too hang ‘soon’ but i have not heard anything. i don’t wana seem eager or desperate he has asked me of my self, via back and we talked on phone, skyped web cam……he tried kiss me on the first date but i said ‘nope. maybe 2nd…it’s just a meeting.”
I have been texting this guy for the past two weeks in the past two weeks he has made plans to see me three days in a row in both weeks as we go out together during the day n spend hours together is that mean we are in a relationship
Nope! Not until he tells you directly that he is committed and exclusive. Until then, don’t make assumptions, ok? Bp
I met with a guy from one of freelance jobs for drinks and we proceeded to see each other 3 times in the next 4 days. He continued to text almost every day but then I didn’t hear from him. On Saturday, a week after I last saw him I texted that I was in his neighborhood and he replied he was at a birthday party near my house. He followed with “I miss ya.” I fumed and texted, the next day, “well, you have my number haha”. Since then he’s texted asking about my day for the past 2 days but still hasn’t asked me out again. I casually mentioned getting a drink elder tonight and he said he was too tired. He’s not into me, right? I normally would call him out on his nonsense texting / stringing me along but because I work with him sometimes I want to be civil. Should I just ignore his texts and him altogether?
Hi Amanda, Yah, I think he’s stringing you along. Just let him know that you’d be glad to SEE him again as you think that’s the best way to get to know someone. When he wants to plan something you really look forward to his call. This is important: Don’t waste energy getting mad at someone like this, ok? Remember that you don’t really know each other and you have no idea what his real story is. It may not be a personal thing about you. And it doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t call you, just move on. Don’t get mad. Just go find someone who earns your time and energy. There are a lot more where he came from! Hugs, Bp
I started to chat to a guy from POF dating site a few weeks ago, we swapped numbers after a few days (I never give my number out!) and been texting everyday since then, arranged a date for this Friday and I’ve not heard from him in days, texted him today asking what time suits him to meet up 2moro, being cheery even though I know something is up! no reply as of yet… I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for dating but I really like him and was excited to meet up, now I feel he has wasted my time for whatever reason. Do I just leave it be now and move on? I feel like everytime I let my guard down I just get let down ??
Hi Angela. First, giving your number really isn’t letting your guard down. I hope you do that often so you can have conversations and plan dates. If you’re worried about them knowing your info, then get something like Google Voice. That masks your number. That said, if you don’t hear from a guy, just move on. I know it feels crummy because you have some hope…but the truth is that he has your info. If he wants to get in touch he will. If he doesn’t, it’s because your probably not a good match. He’s just one guy. There are thousands more. Next! Bp
Hi! Thank you so much you really answer lots of my doubts about texting. I actually created a false relationship thinking he might be interested in me since he is texting me everyday. Since we are friends in real life, we met up (just both of us) to discuss about school stuff. Then he revealed to me that he likes this girl we know in common and me & that girl is actually quite close. I felt confused at that moment and was wondering why he would text me everyday. Is there any ways I can stay out of this situation even when he texted me? I know that I’m emotional affected a little.
Hi Jojo. Yes, you can tell him you’re interested in getting to know him and texting isn’t the best way. You’d be happy to talk on the phone or meet up. Ask if he’s open to that.
This may help you move from texting to the next step.
If he keeps testing and ignores your request, it tells you something about him, right? Best to you. Bp
A 60yr old man approached me in a date site. He texts and calls … but says he is cautious about meeting. He is anxious to meet but so far he has had to work or family … He has 6 kids and grand kids that all live around his area.
He is not ever going to meet me is he?
I feel stupid… hope u can advise me… at 50 I should know better. It’s hard to meet decent men… thank you in advance for your time.
Don’t feel stupid, Debbie. Just keep moving forward and increasing your opportunities to meet good men. I do agree that the ‘bottom line” is in the meeting. Maybe he has reason to be reluctant, but if he ultimately wants a real relationship it’s going to have to happen. Let him know you’re interested and give him the chance to say “yes.” If he doesn’t,move on, ok? Bp
I literally consider it a deal breaker when any guy does that, because it means:
2. he will continue to do whatever he wants.
3. I don’t want to be responsive to anyone at all hours of the day or night.
I had a guy recently try it. He proceeded to text me this morning at 5:30am on a Sunday, but he had texted me even earlier after 2:30am and even called.
I hate that rudeness has replaced common sense. And, I nearly feel compelled to do to thee guys what they do to women.
I agree. If you say that you want to speak and he doesn’t acknowledge or comply, it says he’s not truly interested in a real relationship. If it’s only on his terms…don’t waste your time. But pls be sure that you describe your desire to want to talk in a way that’s not defensive or judgmental. Just let them know that’s what you prefer, and that you hope that works for them. Bp
Thanks for your post. I think i need to let it out. I met a guy on my holidays back home. We hit it off. he worked as a Diplomatic in my home town. I am Asian and he is from the states. after I went back to the country where I live and work,he visited me twice. We had a great connection. and he said He will no longer work in my home country and he got transferred to another country soon. I felt so sad and tried not to attach him emotionally. But he said he will visit me again. After he went on holidays back to his home in the states,he still tried to help me for my school applications which he encouraged me to get scholarship in the US. we said we missed each other. I stopped texting him for one week coz i didnt want to disturb his family times and he reached out to me later But just before he moved to another country for diplomatic, he changed not texting me a lot or he sounded just a normal friend. I initiated conversation a few times. my last time was I let him know that i was not selected for scholarship. We started talking about it again and I told him I would move back to my home country and try another times for scholarship. Then he ignored me totally on FB messenger and I saw him online sometimes but never reached out to me. I put him on restricted list on Facebook for a week where he could not see my posts an pics at all then I decided to remove him from that list and he can see all my stuffs. After over one month we didn’t talk/text, I uploaded my new pic on facebook and he straightly liked it. I don’t have any idea at all. I feel so hurt but I still could control my feelings and never confront him yet.PS( when I tried to end the things , he did not want and he said he still wanted to keep in touch and talk to me). I never nag or chase him. Most of the times, i reached out to him were about school applications which he was helping me, coz i dont want him to feel pressured). Now He totally ignores me! ?? please tell me somethings.
HI Sarah, If you have contacted him and he’s not responding. the best thing is to simply move on. Sorry, but if he were interested he’d be in touch. Please, move on to a man who is interested and willing to show you the attention that you would like. Best to you…Bp
An onliner sent me a message saying he thinks he sees me running around the neighborhood on his way to work quite often. I gave him my # and he called soon after. I missed his call and he texted me. I said he can call me back after he leaves work, but nothing. I left for vacation the next day. 2 months later, he sends a text saying I ran in front of his house. I do not know where he lives exactly. I told him I was at the beach and “where is my invite? lol jk.” I said come down if you want and he said if he did go, would he be crashing? I said no, come down if you want. No response from him.
A week later, I got another text from him saying he saw me running. He wanted to say hi but did said he thought that I would have thought he was a perv who wanted to talk to me. But if I tell him that it’s ok for him to say hi to me, he definitely would say hi next time. He also did not want to interrupt my workout. I told him it is ok to say hi.
Then I sent a text the next day to see if he responds when I reach out. He texts immediately, as usual. I asked if he drives a certain car, thinking it may have been him, but turns out it was not. He was the last one to respond, and I did not continue the conversation.
Last week, I sent him a text to see if that was him who honked at me when I ran. He never told me what car he drives. I did not get a response until 1 am. He apologized and said he went straight to sleep after work, and said that was not him who honked. I said ok then nevermind. I napped after work too and was wide awake. I said I am going to try to go back to sleep. I have to run early tomorrow. He said “so I should expect to see you in the morning.” I said if you are awake that early. He asked what time and I said I am out the door at 7:30am. He said depending on if he decides to actually not go out tonight (1:30am), he should be awake, and is usually up at that time anyway. I told him that since he is well rested, he should go out. He said he might go to NYC. I did not respond back for 5 min. He said he will share with me in the event he sees me in the morning, and said good night and that he hopes I enjoy my run. I told him to enjoy his night and to wear his running shoes in case he sees me. He said “lol duly noted.”
Does this guy lack game or is he dating someone and is keeping me in the pool? I know you can talk to many people when dating online, and I am fine with that. I am not sure if I missed a big hint from him when he said he will expect to see me in the morning. Was that my cue to suggest a time to meet when I run?
I met a man online, and we text for a while before arranging to meet up. The date was nice, but it was just the first date – I have no idea how I feel about him yet. We’re going on a second date, but the thing is, he texts me all the time. He text me last week saying on our next date he might kiss me. I ignored that, which he then commented on a few days later. I replied saying that I didn’t mean to come across dismissive, but that in my opinion, if the moment feels right for both of us, then perhaps we will kiss, but we’ve only been on one date. How awful if I had said ‘yes’ and then on the date I don’t want to but feel like I’m obliged to.
Even when he’s at work the texting doesn’t stop. I leave a few hours before replying to him, but then he texts back instantly. The thing is, he’s asking me such pointless things, like ‘what’s your favourite colour’, ‘What are you doing now?’ ‘What are your plans for tomorrow?’ I am not a big texter – I feel that if I want to tell someone something specific, I’ll text (I’m not a technophobe) but I’m not one for conversing for ages back and forth pointless things.
I might look forward to hearing from him if there was a bit of silence. What do I do? I think tomorrows date will decide in my mind if I am even attracted to him and want to take it further. But then I worry that because of the amount of texts he’s sent (and he’s obviously built this to be more than it currently is – which is at this moment in time, one date!) will make it awkward to end things. Or if I do like him, how do I explain that I don’t want to text pointlessly. It’s important to note I also don’t want to swap this for phone calls, because then I have to put aside time in my evening for a conversation I don’t want to have. Ideally, one or two texts a day are fine, and then texts/quick phone call to arrange a date. We can chat then in person.
Just tell him you like him and then tell him what you would like; just as you told me. Ask if he can do that. If he can, great! If not…he’s not for you. Best, Bp
I recently was messaging someone on line and he soon gave me his phone number. First I was thinking no way but friends said not to worry as you can block him if necessary I also Googled his phone number and found his website. So we start texting and he was texting a lot making me laugh etc. Then he suggested WhatsApp so we can send pictures again alarm bells but he assured me he just wanted to send pictures of his projects he worked on so I agreed. All was going well but I started getting slightly irritated with the amount of messages. He wanted to message me during day I said no as I have to concentrate at work. He stated he was just being friendly, however he did respect that. He said he was picking up that maybe I had been hurt in past and I was being protective. I told him nothing of my past relationships, he sent a text saying he hadn’t asked about my past marriage that one didn’t get answered. He suggested meeting and I was happy to meet up. He then said how about a weekend away then said only joking I know you wouldn’t. Again I didn’t answer that one because he quickly text something else which I answered. Then he suggested meeting for one day and if we get on have a weekend away. I wasn’t sure what he meant by a weekend and told he so explained I was looking for a long term relationship and thanked him anyway. He said he didn’t mean we sleep together, sorry he made a mistake and wished me well. No explanation as to what he meant by a weekend away. So I left it and sure enough he texted me next day saying it was a misunderstanding how I never gave him chance to explain he was sorry etc. For me he just blew it why would he even suggest a weekend away. He continued to apologise but I felt any trust I had went. Have I been to harsh and unforgiving due to being cautious.
Hi Helen…hmmm…maybe he was kidding. Or testing you. Here’s what I suggest: watch my most recent Grownup Girls’ Night Out webcast. It’s all about having realistic expectations of men. Here is the way to register for free: http://datelikeagrownup.com/ggno . Hugs, Bp
Thanks for writing such a great article – really helpfull and informative ??
However, I have some questions. These days Im seeing a guy for almost 1-2 months, and he even has introduced me to his best friends. We have quite big age gap – he’s 13 years older than me. I felt real connection with him, but I found out he is texting the other girls – often. And I’m not sure who they are.
Are this normal? Because yeah, obviously – I’m also texting some guys friends, but none of them are special. Should I ask him about this?
Thanks a lot! I hope you’ll response, it’d mean a lot to me:)
Hi Lia, It all depends on whether you two have agreed to be exclusive. If not, then you both are free to do whatever you’d like. And perhaps he, too, is texting friends? Sounds like you’re unsure about your relationship. I know that’s a hard place to be. If you are happy when you’re with him, and not with him, I say wait and see. Perhaps this will turn into something more. But for now, sounds like you’re just dating. And texting – or seeing other people is ok. Best… Bp
Bobbi, I met a nice man online. We met for a dinner date, then I cooked him dinner at my place. We have had a several other meetings, usually he came to my place. I then gave up on him as it seemed he wasn’t that into me. He didn’t communicate often, and was only coming to my place..no more real dates. He tried contacting me within the next 4 months but I ignored him as I started seeing someone else. That relationship started going bad, so I started talking back to this man. He has made the effort to come over and hang out at my place a few times, even with my friends. He seems like he tries to impress me, has worked on my vehicle, didn’t allow me to see an unflattering pic of him,etc. My issue is I would like to hear from him more often, whether by text or call. He works 3 jobs, so I know he’s busy. He always reaponds if I text him. Should I not text him and see if he texts me in a timely way? We are still in the beginning stages, so I don’t know how often I should expect to hear from him, and I know he is busy. Thanks in advance for your advice.
HI Jen. Just let him know that you like him and are interested in getting to know him better. You know he’s busy, and it would be great if you could talk a little more during the week. Ask him if he would be willing to figure out with you how that might work. Something like this. And btw, sounds to me like he’s focusing a lot on his career. He may like you, but not truly not have time. If that’s the case, he’s not going to be available to you. You’ll have to decide if that’s ok with you. If not, you should move on. Bp
How do we safely move from online chatting and messages to giving someone my phone number? Do I get a 3rd cell phone? I have an almost 11 year old daughter and want to keep her and me safe.
Hi Nancy! Easy, get a free service like Google Voice. This allows you to set up a virtual telephone number. You can then forward it to your real number. So people call your virtual number. If there’s ever a problem, you just get rid of that number and get a new one. There are also apps that let you show that number when you call out. Google it. ?? I think it’s just you want. Enjoy!! Bp
Hi Bobbi, really enjoying what I am reading. I just listened to you webinar on dating divorced men… And this is about txting… We got to know each other through email and txting before our first date which was great. He has a speech impediment and told me it’s hard for him to get words out. I could tell this was a big deal to him and that on the phone I may not be able to understand, I could see how that might happen when we had lunch. I like him he like me and after lunch he walked me to my car and asked on that 2nd date. I don’t mind the txting at all as long as I know he is very interested. Our next date is Tuesday for dinner I thought I might talk to him about it then. He is very intelligent, I was totally myself and actually vulnerable he ate it up and I felt great! Thanks for your help, I appreciate you, nina
Thanks for sharing your story, Nina. Sounds like you have it all together here. Yes, have a grownup conversation with him. Tell him you like him and am enjoying getting to know him, and then share about your preferences on texting. And…have fun! Hugs. Bp
What about men who send pushy texts? I have been texting with a man and he did ask me out for coffee. All of a sudden he sent a text saying that he wants to see someone he’s in a relationship with at least 2 or 3 times a week and expects me to be spontaneous and maybe I have a rigid work schedule. We haven’t even been out yet and he’s already stating expectations. I haven’t answered his text yet and I’m not even attracted to him!
I think you should answer “thanks but no thanks. good luck with that.” Don’t waste your time with any guy like this, Christine. You deserve better. I hope you know that. And when you expect it…you’ll get it! Hugs. Bp
Im 54 yr old woman who met a great man on match. We were crazy about each other! dated, dinners, 3-4 times a week, A lot of texting. Our relationship ended over a single text misunderstanding.. He used texting to avoid full attachment and bolted. So, no more of this, for me. I want a man who is not afraid to express himself in person.
Here Here. Thanks Julie. Sorry for your experience and very grateful you shared. Bp
1. Voice calls are problematic, because they demand a response exactly at the time they occur, whether the recipient is in a meeting, helping a child with homework, driving, or in the shower. If they’re repeatedly not answered, we assign all kinds of meaning to that (when there may be none at all). Texts fit much better into the working days of busy professionals/single parents/most people, are easier to view during a meeting than listening to voicemail, and can be responded to more easily than voice calls in most situations.
2. Texts can be fun, sexy, flirty, caring, encouraging, cute, thought-provoking… they can be a great tool for women and men as part of a relationship-building strategy. They have many, many uses, and not just for guys. Ladies, if you can master the text, that’s a great tool in YOUR toolbox. Why limit yourself?
3. How, when, and what a man texts tells me a LOT about him, and in the beginning stages of dating or a relationship, I absolutely want that information because it helps me evaluate, filter, and decide what I want to do going forward.
4. Texting can avert dating disasters. The pre-date confirmation text, the “I’m running 10 minutes late but will be there,” and the “Was that Pasta al Forno or Formaggia Pasta?” can keep your evening (and maybe your relationship) from going down in flames.
5. It’s 2015. As much as some of us would like to dial dating back into the 1990s, texting and other forms of e-communication are now part of the dating landscape. Pre- and post-date texts are part of dating etiquette now (as are social media, IMs, video chatting, etc). If a man is not fluent in digital literacy, that’s a red flag for me.
6. Voice calls are overrated, especially in the very beginning of a relationship or before the first date: awkward silences, both people wondering who should end the call first and when, figuring out how often to call, when to call back, what to say…. why is this so much better than texting? (It’s not). Yes, I *want* to have a voice call with an online man I’ve never met IRL, because that’s not creepy or awkward, not at ALL…
Hi Allyson. Thanks so much for your comment. I wholeheartedly agree with #2, as it relates specifically to using texting as you are developing a relationship…assuming you are texting in addition to real dates. I stand very firm on the idea that texting as a replacement for dating is dangerous. A big no-no. I also agree with #4. Texting is perfect for confirming or updating logistics.
I think it’s great that you prefer texting. And I love your idea about using it for flirting, encouraging, etc.
However, many (most?) women ‘of a certain age’ don’t like texting. And I hear endless stories of guys texting like crazy and disappearing. If they aren’t showing up (for real) they aren’t really interested.
IMO 2015 or not, how someone chooses to use technology ought not be a pre-requisite to a man’s worth as a partner. I would take a caring, loving, dependable techn-dork over some shiny, hip, digital-literacy expert any day.
Oh, and one more thing: I kinda agree with you about phone calls. They can be pretty uncomfortable. But too darn bad. If a woman prefers that in order to feel comfortable then the guy better dang well step up and be willing to do it if he won’t, says all you need to know about him. Next!
How about no texting at all? Why should I have to carry the cell phone around my house ‘just in case’? I’m not dating, but when I do, texting will not be a form of communication and I won’t spend time with anyone who keeps checking his cell phone during a date. My children insist on texting me instead of calling and most of their messages go unread. I keep telling them I use email (from my iPad, laptop and desktop) and there are phones throughout my home for the land line. I only carry my cell phone when I leave the house. Besides, even email can be too impersonal and cause misunderstandings. Or maybe it is that I’m already 55?
She really said it here…texting is not a date…don’t fall for it…I do find it too impersonal…Yes! Yes! Yes!
Help, I have a guy I have known for eve he looked me up in August and we went out to dinner had a great time. He lives 3 hours away. He text me every morning and every evening a quick good morning, have a good evening. Then he came down and spent labor day weekend we had a nice time I was busy with rodeo but still a nice time. Still nice texts. I went up that way twice once to deliver some goats and once to work. He cooked supper both times for us. Now still just texts. I really like this guy and he likes the same things as me. As old as I am and as few men as there are in my area do I call it quits or just enjoy the texts? THNKS
Hi Sallie. If you’re looking for a meaningful relationship then, no, I wouldn’t stay ‘involved’ with him this way. If you think he has some partner potential, then tell him it would be great to get to know him but texting isn’t the way you would like to do that. Ask him to call or ask you out. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, and keeps just texting, I’d ask him to stop. Time to move on and direct your energy to someone who you can enjoy time with. Hope this helps! Glad you’re here. Hugs, Bp
Well I am always the one initiating texts to a mature man and he will reply with polite texts as well.
However he doesn’t really text much in general. I know I can not call him…..as I don’t want to be the one chasing him. I realize he is NOT into me but he is a NICE man and I would like to have him as a friend if nothing more. So, yes I keep the short texts going just to keep in touch Sometimes I flirt but I know he’s not interested in that.. I really need to take heed to your advise but he is such a nice man. I know I should be more direct with him . I really want to ask him if he wants me to STOP texting him so he will tell me directly and honestly. Any suggestions how I can ask this??
Hi Lorraine. Normally I’d say to just ask pretty directly, but it sounds like you already know the answer. If you have been texting him and he merely responds with a polite text back, but doesn’t ask you out, then you have your answer. I don’t want to be cruel, but from the info I have here, including you saying it, he’s not into you. So…move on, sister. If you are looking for love, don’t waste any more time with this man. Find someone who digs the hell out of you and can’t wait to see you. Hugs, Bp
Fully understand that texting doth not a relationship make. Actually have found the most ardent texters/emailers were either scammers or wannabe stalkers. My issue is the opposite. Met a guy through hiking a major trail thru here. Helped him get someone to fix his backpack and we really hit it off. Saw my farm, helped with chores, gladly, talked for a long time, sent him on his way. He’s a widower of about 18 months, took care of his wife as she was dying of cancer. Was truthful about my 9 years of cancer survival and he was overjoyed about it. We got back together after his 500 mile hike; he rented a car and drove a coupla hundred miles out of his way, exhausted, to see me rather than to his town. Later the next week he drove to be with me as I was attending a conference in the city. Insisted on my meeting his family on the way home. Then, as he was leaving for Florida and Mexico to sell off his and his late wife’s condo there and go on a trip with his male buds,( both scheduled long before he met me), he took time to drive up to my town (we are 2 1/2 hr’s apart) and be with me. When he is with me, I am treated like a queen and he seems very grateful for anything I do for him. Though I am a serious enviro, farmer, professor and he is retired from sales, he has great respect for my intellect, my living my values. He has really set the standard for how I expect to be treated in the future by any man. Most men, especially here, think I do too much in life, resent my education, that I have done more in life than they. The issue here is that now that he’s in Fla/Mexico, he NEVER texts or emails or calls. He will reply immediately if I do but I shouldn’t be initiating all contact. He was this way too on the trail, before we were anything resembling a couple. Very sporadic communication. It may be a generational thing (he’s 69) or maybe as a widower, he really is not ready to move on. Could and probably is super busy and I dont wanna fault him for that nor get my hopes up. Read everything I could get hold of on widowers and dating and for now, I am trying not to take it personally and am at least emailing other men on line in case things go south.
Thanks for the “texting” information, just what I needed. I never liked it too much it has no face.
Hahaha, how true. Remember, it does have it’s uses, but it’s not for courting or dating. Bp
Thank you Bobbi for your advice! I’ve just started chatting to a few nice men online and found one i particularly like. We chat for hours on end on the dating site and he asked me for my number. I was happy to exchange numbers and told him that but he never offered his number too me and continued to chat with me online. Im starting to think he is just interested in chatting.
Your advice is definitely going to help me sort this situation out!
Hi Char. If it’s any indication what my advice is, I tell all my clients to turn chat OFF when you’re online. Just like texting, it’s not a way to get to know someone. If you gave this man your number, he will call you if he’s interested. In my opinion all rules for texting apply for online chatting. If a guy only does that, there’s a reason. Do what I suggested in the article and ask him to call. Then let it/him go. Don’t waste your time with him if he’s not making moves to meet you. Bp
Ah, this has happened several time to me and I had no idea what was going on! Texting and phone calls but not meeting…many reasons, mostly schedules not meshing. Then after a couple of weeks, poof, they are gone. I thought I was doing something wrong but now I know. Thank you for clearing this up.
Thank you for putting this out there, Bobbi! I got bitten big time by a charming, funny, flattering texter extraordinaire a while back. Wow, was I hooked! Our interactions were addicting, and I had built a huge fantasy personality to match. We finally met, and he wasn’t nearly as charming, confident, or ready for a relationship as his texts led me to believe. We went out one other time but the bloom was off the rose and I was happy to let him go.
We have seen each other / dated. We talk on the phone or text each day.
Because both of us work, the times we get together are sometimes weeks apart… But keeping in touch daily seems to be moving the relationship forward.
I have stayed with him for three weekends and have now met one if his sons and his wife as well as met some of his customers at a business conference.
Soooo texting seems to be working for us. (Note – we are older… I am 64 and he is 69.)
HI Liz, yes, it definitely does seem to be working well. Like I said, texting is a great complement to dating. You are seeing spending weekends together, meeting each other’s families…and since you live so far apart this is a perfect way to say you’re thinking about one another, maybe do a little flirting, etc. When you use it IN ADDITION to talking on the phone and seeing one another texting can be really nice. Congratulations! Sounds like you are developing a nice relationship. How did you meet?? Bp