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Ask a Guy: How Do Men Show Their Love?
I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months. We spend a lot of time together (we see each other every night, at least) and regularly have deep talks about our lives.
However, he still he hasn’t said that he loves me and I’m starting to wonder. He’s never introduced me to his family (who live out-of-state), but he’s introduced me to all of his close friends as his girlfriend.
He does show affection for me in different ways, but I can’t tell if it’s love or he’s just a nice guy and knows how to treat a lady. How can I tell if a guy loves me? How do men show their love?
It certainly sounds like he loves you, but let’s talk about how men show love and the subject of men & love in general.
To the cynical or jaded in the audience, men feel love. Yes, we do. But we definitely express it differently than women and interpret it differently as well.
In short, guys love through action and not through words.
Most men look at what they say as a sort of promise or commitment, even if it’s an emotionally based discussion. So saying what seems like a simple three words can actually feel like a huge risk, promise or commitment to a guy. It can feel like a risk since guys generally do not deal well with rejection, especially rejection in a moment of vulnerability.
And I can personally admit that love can make me feel vulnerable and can bring up fears and emotions in me that are more than I’m ready to handle at a given moment. As a guy who likes to feel in control of his own life, emotions, and destiny, this can be a problem.
In terms of being a promise or commitment, you’ve probably heard the quote that “a man is only as good as his word.” There’s truth to that.
In this context, when a man expresses his love to a woman verbally, he feels as though he is committing to or promising that he will live up to some set of expectations of what a “man in love” should be.
For me, love feels like a lifelong commitment to the woman. I’m not saying it means I have to marry her, but it means that she has a special place in my heart and I will always do my best to be there for her regardless of how the relationship turns out (within reason). It means I am promising to be there and to be good to her – and if I break that promise, I will suffer as well.
To other guys, love is more casual and can change with the seasons. And to others, it is far more serious than my interpretation of it – it is a single-minded commitment to lifelong partnership. Love can mean different things to men at different points in their life.
My point in all this is that saying “I love you” is a big deal in terms of his commitment to the relationship in the majority of men. But he could feel love and love you for a long time before he actually says it.
So how can you tell? To put it in terms of your questions: How do men show their love?
There are all sorts of conventional images of men showing love through giving gifts: roses, chocolates, stuffed animals, cards, etc but these are not necessarily signs of love. These could very well just be customs he feels obligated to fulfill because he’s in a relationship. But there is one gift that is an excellent gauge of his love for you: his time.
When a man spends more time with you and less with his family and friends, this is a very clear sign that he loves you. He’s choosing to be with you over all of the other things he could be doing and people he could be spending time with.
There are other “gifts” that a man gives to show his love that may be more subtle. When a man stands up for you during a difficult situation, attends functions that are important to you, considers you first when planning, goes with you to see your family or does little jobs/chores for you, these are all ways that a man says he loves you.
In fact, when a man is doing these things, he figures … (continued – Click to keep reading Ask a Guy: How Do Men Show Their Love?)
Ask A Guy: Can A Girl Say ‘I Love You’ First?
Ask A Guy: Does He Really Love Me?
11 Undeniable Signs He’s In Love With You
Ask a Guy: How Do I Show Interest Without Looking Needy?
You’re advice makes so much sense! Thanks so much for these… There is so much more i want to read them all. Very comforting to read and helps me be more understanding of his side of things.
Glad you liked it!
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So funny how guys make I love u a cliche, I mean they can always tell u that even though they don’t mean it
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When we start our relationship everything was great. He always call text..but now he stress alot hardly call or text. Only sunday is the day we spent together. Monday to Friday he out for job..weekend he spend time with his family..and m just hurt..but the best thing he loves to hug me n cuddle me when never his around..please give me advise
I been dating this guy for 13months. He is 14 years older than me.(he’s 40 and I’m 27). The age doesn’t bother me but every time he touches me I tighten up. Keep in mind I am a very shy person and he is my first serious boyfriend. We never really intimate. Everyone said I should break up with him because if I didn’t do anything with by now sense its been a year it means i don’t like him like that but I really enjoy his company. My question is should I break up with him or is it just me being really shy. If so how should I do it.
Don’t break up with him if you enjoy being with him. Let him know how shy you are; maybe he is trying to you respect. Your personality sounds a lot like mine at 27 . Ive learned that being too shy can cause you to miss out on many good things. Find out if you both want to take the relationship further. I am just seeing your post so this is probably history ?+?
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years. We live together.
He has cheated on me 4 times and lied about a lot of things. The first 2 weeks we were dating the sex was great, but we argued because I would catch him in the lies. I found text messages, a picture of one of the girls, and witnesses who seen the other girls. I always took him back.
He never touches me, kisses me (Chicken Pecks don’t count), he doesn’t help me pay my bills. I cook for him, bring him pleasure but I don’t get this in return. When we watch special videos, he pleasures himself, then wants me to bring him to full pleasure but I don’t get this in return.
He says he loves me, that he hasn’t lost interest, that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but shows no affection, no concern for my safety, happiness, and he thinks that spending time together is just being in the same room and he is sleeping.
I would run from this guy.
Touch and kisses are intimate and it’s weird that we doesn’t want to do that with you. I wouldn’t believe his words. I wouldn’t believe the I love yous and saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. These are just words. I’ll look out for actions like cheating, doesn’t want to please you, no affection, doesn’t protect you and more. These actions are screaming that he doesn’t respect you or love you. Run!
Look up Narcissistic personality disorder and see if he fits the bill. You need to run from this relationship it’s abusive.
Yes indeed, a man truly loves you if he’s spent his time just for you or even if hes busy, he still call or check you if you’re fine. I am also got confused because i have boy friend. This is what happened to us 2 months ago. He arrived here in our state and got an engineering job. I was shocked when i woke up and got a text message from him where he invited me to go out for a dinner. We’ve been friends and sometimes caught him up looking at mr but wasnt sure if theres something about me he wanted to ask or say. After 2 months of stay he texted me saying hes leaving to take up a review of his engineering course. Then time flies i always think of him and ask myself maybe he forgot me already. After 3 months i got an unexpected call from him and i was so surprised. Now it twirls up my mind because even on his busiest days he still got time to contact me. So is he inlove wth me
I have answered a few of the quizzes but I never get the response email and I can’t confirm my subscription. I have checked all my folders even Spam but the email from this website is not there. This is really frustrating coz I really want to know my results. Please help. Thank you.
Hey Zil — I checked and you did receive a confirmation email from us on 5/23 according to my records. Check your email!
Hello, great article. I found this site through Stumbleupon but you right some very concise and thought out stuff. I am curious though. Growing up I have learned that people are prone to showing love in at least one of three ways: emotionally,physically, and gifts. Many times it seems they will have a main one and then use one or the other two every now and again. Emotional displays would be sharing some personal thought,feeling, part of themselves. Physical displays is what it sounds like, such as holding them or thier hands, kisses, those random squeezes, playfully poking them and other things that aren’t just from lust. And the gifts would be either actually giving them something or helping them out in some way. These to me are all the categories those actions that show love can go into. I find if two people share the similar way to show love it’s easier for there to not be a confusion. However, if a couple doesn’t share one I find it helps if they talk about what they do to show they care/love at an appropriate time in the relationship since it will help the two understand each other and not miss the signs of love being given.
“What can I do to show him Im ready and want the same”
First, accept the possibility that he may say no, for whatever unforeseen reason which may or may not make sense to you. Second, it’s clear that you love him. Step it up by loving him without expecting anything from him – don’t expect that he’ll be always like this with you, that he will never change, that he will always be in love with you, that he will always be able to make time for you and your son – still love him. Why? Because, when you were down and out, he showed you that he cared. That’s enough. Life, in its true form, cannot get much more loving than that. Even if he played you, it’s ok, because you got help when you needed it. Live such that you live in conscientious knowledge of your own identity, your own self. Then you will be able to live alone without relying on anyone beyond what is necessary. It will then be a start of a beautiful life for you and the people around you.
Wishing you all the very best! I pray to God that you find love, that your son finds love, and that you are all blessed with it throughout your lives.
Im separted 3 years a couple months away from my legal divorce with a 3 year old son. Four months ago I started a new job in ITfield. I met a lot of people. One man and I became friends we can talk about anything he had a women he was seeing twice his age for a year in a half. Who seemed to use his as a paycheck and escape. Since I it wasnt my place I said nothing. We started hanging out almost everday. Just as friends hanging out playing video games, pool, going to lunch. He met my son and I never let anyone meet my son but since he was always around and my friend I did. We got closer and started spending the nights together with no sex. His girlfriend and he hadnt seen each other in a month because she said she was busy then she quit talking to him. We continued doing activities, going out to eat, arcades- along with my son- both of us became unseperable. We do everything together. We are honest, tell each other things no one else knows, we have the same values, goals, no one has ever undrstood me like him. When there are problems in life we stand side by side holding hands and figure it out no matter how bad it is. He has no children but he is great with my son ( and my son is a challenge) my son really likes him. He comes in and tells my son hi, plays with him, talks to him. My son had a stomach virus so bad he threw up on everything he took us to peds ER, stayed up all night at hospital took us home in the morning and stayed to help me and make sure I got to sleep. I got strep throat and the flu extremely bad I couldnt get out of bed. He stayed and took care of my son and I on his own accord, lettingme restand sleep. He took care of everything. He always comforts me when I get stressed, upset, or overwelmed. He steps in a gives me a break with my sons temper tantrums ( which are extremely excessive and violent)he stays up with me threw the night terrors. We all three go everywhere together. He wants us to move in with him. I live with family who dont treat me right and he stands up for me, hes always there when my son or I need him. He even watches my son if im working and hes off. He is very patient, tolerant, loving, genuine, and considerate. When we disagree we talk it out and have great communication. He is family oriented, does want to get remarried, he is affectionate, mild mannered, giving, thoughtful, and treats me like a priority. He was there for my sons first day of preschool and treats my son like his own. He is a good rolemodel, he helps me teach my son, and correct him which tequires a lot of patience and work. My son has ADHD, hearing problems, sleep disorder, and he does sit still unless hes sleeping. So its a challenge to parent at this age. He makes sure I have time to take care of my self, eat, shower, do my paperwork. Due to my sons problems he requires constant supervision. I have never felt so in sync with anyone, he makes me feel safe, content, happy, or confident I can depend on him for any reason no matter how bad something seems it will be ok cause together we can accomplish anything. I feel less anxiety, life seems much more fullfilling, stable, normal, and satisfying. When we arnt together we miss each other very much. We act silly and laugh all the time. We can have so much fun doing nothing. We even sit up at night and laugh about how crazy our days were. We both are self sufficient and see each other as an equal. We havent said “i love you”. I think hes kinda afraid he will scare me with sayi g “i love you” and wanting us to move in, and raise my son as his own because of my previous marriage. I feel his genuine love and see it in his day-to-day actions so I have no doubts that he does love my son and I. I truly believe we can be a happy family and we all want it. What do you think? What can I do to show him Im ready and want the same. Im not scared anymore. This is everything I have always wanted and he has the qualities, personality, and unconditional genuine heart Ive never seen. He isnt tall dark and handsome with a six pack but thats not important. We acccept each other the way we are, understand each others flaws, likes, dislikes, emotions, thought process, no change needed, we are on the same page. Please give me your opinion.
When a man tells you he loves you and misses you but never makes time for me on the weekends. And during the week he works but if he gets a free day he wants to come over for what SEX but says that’s not why I come over for its cause I love being with me but only stays for a while n leaves. And will we see each other again. I tell him but he doesn’t get it. THIS IS NOT LOVE when you don’t make time for your woman to be with spend time with..I AM LONELY
Oh hun..trust me..You have answered your own question. .Men that are really interested will be there as much as possible…Ask yourself this .What is he doing on the weekend if he isn’t with you? Sounds like he has someone else or he just isn’t interested in having a relationship with you. BOOTY CALL!
Hi Eric and everyone. My husband and I have been arguing a lot lately and he suddenly started to spend less time with me, it’s been a month. He barely talks anymore and he’s acting cold. I asked why he’s been spending less time with me and he got upset instead of answering he just left the room. He says he loves me, but he no longer wants to have children with me because he says I’m argumentative. I’m so confused. Whenever we’ve argued it was him starting it by falsely accusing me of not being attracted to him, or wanting another man (and other negative assumptions). All I ever do is try to explain things and reassure him, but now I feel like a doormat and feel like he’s distancing himself. What can I do?
I strongly suspect – based on your comment – he is cheating.
The truth shall set you free.
Just reading the coments and I feel relieved and somehow strong now!
Have been dating these guy for 7 months now!! At first few months,he was so loving we planned future together,having kids and a home, he had time for me but last month he started slowing down,he doesn’t text like before, he goes quiet until I ask what’s wrong,
We didn’t have sex for a month when I ask he says it’s not all about sex, when we cuddle he tells me he misses me and just want to be close to me!! Again he says am too young for him and have positive dreams!! He tells me he likes me a lot but he has never told me if he in love or Not!
I don’t understand him, kindly advice me,I have been devasted with these issue a lot!! I wasted 3 yrs in my last relationship and I don’t want the same thing to happen
I have been in a relationship with a guy for 10 months. We have not had sex. We met in high school and lost touch for years. We then started conversing again through facebook and three years later are in a relationship. He says he is waiting for marriage for sex and I am ok with it but he doesnt touch me like other men in my past has. He seems scary to touch my boobs but he will touch my butt. I asked if he was a virgin he laughed and said no. He lives in a different city 45 minutes away so we dont see each other daily. We talk on the phone daily and I know he has a lot of female friends none of which I have met. He introduces me to some people as his girlfriend and others just by my name. I have met his parents and grand parents. He invites me to some events but not all. He says I am welcome but I want to be asked and invited. He travels for work a lot, he coaches sports for highschool year round and he loves college sports. He invited me a couple times but doesnt spend as much time with me as i would like him to. He has been trying harder but still not enough for me. I am confused and horny and i am not sure if he is lying or really sincere about loving me. Help!
Meet a guy 5 months ago and had a few dates then both decided we would just have fun which suits us both but one minute he’s texting and we meet up then nothing when we are together…it’s amazing and very close and when we leave he delays before leaving saying he doesn’t want to go and loves sharing with me…yet again back to the most amazing day then nothing yet again…think I should have been true to my feelings that I starting to fall hard now I’m left broken yet again I know he has a lot on and so do I just left in limbo thinking do I just walk away which will be hard or do I wait and get heart broken again
Makes sense. I don’t really get mad at a flake for rejecting me. I get mad cause I wasted my time for nothing. Some people don’t get it. They just want attention. They don’t understand the power of quality time. They just want to have someone to listen to their rambling. Anyone will do for them.
When I take my time out for a girl it usually isn’t for a romantic interest since I am usually all about business but, if I ask you out personally or make plans it’s not business. It’s quality time. If you decide you don’t want to do it at the last minute but, don’t tell me I feel disrespected. You are forever crossed off my list as a potential SO and end up on the list of flaky attention whores.
It’s hilarious when you call em on it. They get all defensive. Hey. I’m not mad at you sweetheart. I’m just telling you the facts. You wasted my time I could have spent working on something worth wild instead of waiting for a girl who really just wanted to get asked out without going out.
Thanks for sharing.
So I have always believed that actions speak louder than words, but I am afraid I am so blindsided by love that I am just seeing what I want and believing a lot of lip service. I am 41 years old and have been in an exclusive relationship with a man 13 years younger than me for just about a year. He tells me he loves me dearly and I truly feel he thinks he does. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of our lives together Unfortunately his actions are leading me to question everything. He has been separated from his wife for 3 years and with a lot of pushing from me he has filed for divorce. However neither one of them can seem to remember to show up for the scheduled court dates and the finalization of the divorce keeps getting postponed. He carried on a relationship and stayed with another young woman for about a year, between the wife and me with only a few months as a single man. Both of these younger women in his past lied and cheated and truly broke his heart by the way, i mean they were totaly scandalous bitches. So he was living with his parents when we started dating and in the intrest of privacy he began staying at my place more and more, untill he lived there full full time. He and my 8 year old daughter have developed a good freindship and his 3 very young daughters, ages 2,5,&7. Started having thier monthly visits with him at my house. I love kids and liked them all right away. However with my disabilities and chronic pain found having them there at times overwhelming. We befan to talk about getting a place together when my lease was up the following year and he help me with the bills a little and paid for all of our recreation. But he slowly went to work less and less until he was eventually fired. I told him straight away I could not financially support him. On my disability income and with some enormously outrageous payday loan payments, I was struggling to keep food on the table.. so I let him know the reality of i was that feeding him would be literally taking food out of my child’s mouth and that he needed to find work asap as I did not want to resent him. 2 months went by with no effort to work. My ex husband offered him a job and a ride to and from everyday. When he turned that down I did understand, I wouldn’t want to work with his ex either. So one afternoon I came home from visiting a friend and he abruptly told me he was moving back to his folks that night. We talked about it and he said it was out of respect for me. So….was that lip service? I saw the act ad noble until later that night when it occurred to me that he would rather not live with me than get a job. After a very sad week moved back in. I said I wanted him to , but that he had to get a job. So two more months pass with very little effort to find a job. He all but refused to go pick up day labor. Even when his kids would come over, he would just ask his films for money. For a while that was enough, but as time went by I found myself paying for more and more. I became very depressed, stressed and list a great deal of respect for him. It was OBVIOUS to him that I was in happy. So to wrap this up we made the mutual decision for him to move out again. Addtionally he scheduled to have his kids every day for a week to two months. I could not feed them not to mention none of them were on the lease. The lease that was now due to expire next month, as the year had passed and we were nowhere near able or ready to get a place together. So he left with the promised that he wanted to remain a comited couple. He said sometimes men had to take a step back and ” seehe could see where he was” or something like that….so what does that mean. And what does it mean that he had his old job back inside of a week? Is he trying to prove him self to me or is he showing respect to his parents? Am I fooling my self? Is he just telling me what he thinks I want to hear. He has been gone for two weeks and only found time to see me for two hours one night and is spending sat night with me. I know he has been busy with kids all week and work, but he only calls once a day and texts once or twice. When before when we lived apart he texted me first thing in the am, at every break and lunch and called after work. He even took an entire day off when one of the girls was sick…but he didn’t call me until 7pm. Any way…. does he really want to be with me or is he having second thoughts?
He is taking advantage of you. If he cared he would understand your struggle and put more effort into finding a job to help with the bills. The out of respect part where he will move back with his parents, is a excuse. Out of respect he wouldn’t be living off of you. That’s out of respect.
He was taking advantage of you..He is working now because he dont have you to take care of him and his kids. His parents aren’t tolerating his laziness. You want to know if he is trying to show you he is trying. ANSWER IS CLEAR. Let him take care of his kids his business at his parents house or on his own..If he wants a relationship with you..He will continue having it with you. Give him space to handle his business.Just wait and observe.Let it run its course
So I have always believed that actions speak louder than words, but I am afraid I am so blindsided by love that I am just seeing what I want and believing a lot of lip service. I am 41 years old and have been in an exclusive relationship with a man 13 years younger than me for just about a year. He tells me he loves me dearly and I truly feel he thinks he does. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of our lives together Unfortunately his actions are leading me to question everything. He has been separated from his wife for 3 years and with a lot of pushing from me he has filed for divorce. However neither one of them can seem to remember to show up for the scheduled court dates and the finalization of the divorce keeps getting postponed. He carried on a relationship and stayed with another young woman for about a year, between the wife and me with only a few months as a single man. Both of these younger women in his past lied and cheated and truly broke his heart by the way, i mean they were totaly scandalous bitches. So he was living with his parents when we started dating and in the intrest of privacy he began staying at my place more and more, untill he lived there full full time. He and my 8 year old daughter have developed a good freindship and his 3 very young daughters, ages 2,5,&7. Started having thier monthly visits with him at my house. I love kids and liked them all right away. However with my disabilities and chronic pain found having them there at times overwhelming. We befan to talk about getting a place together when my lease was up the following year and he help me with the bills a little and paid for all of our recreation. But he slowly went to work less and less until he was eventually fired. I told him straight away I could not financially support him. On my disability income and with some enormously outrageous payday loan payments, I was struggling to keep food on the table.. so I let him know the reality of it and he said he wouk
So I have always believed that actions speak louder than words, but I am afraid I am so blindsided by love that I am just seeing what I want and believing a lot of lip service. I am 41 years old and have been in an exclusive relationship with a man 13 years younger than me for just about a year. He tells me he loves me dearly and I truly feel he thinks he does. He tells me he wants to spend the rest of our lives together Unfortunately his actions are leading me to question everything. He has been separated from his wife for 3 years and with a lot of pushing from me he has filed for divorce. However neither one of them can seem to remember to show up for the scheduled court dates and the finalization of the divorce keeps getting postponed. He carried on a relationship and stayed with another young woman for about a year, between the wife and me with only a few months as a single man. Both of these younger women in his past lied and cheated and truly broke his heart by the way, i mean they were totaly scandalous bitches. So he was living with his parents when we started dating and in the intrest of privacy he began staying at my place more and more, untill he lived there full time, and had his parentwaway
So I’m reading through ur articles clearly as I need to find other perspectives, however all ur articles in “ask a guy” I find a bit worrying. As a woman turning 40 soon with no need to depend on somone either emotionally or financially, I am curious to find out what is ur thoughts on women’s perspectives. And since u banned the word need, in her perspective, u elegantly told them the man’s needs is a priority instead. I am sitting here and feeling that u are only serving the same old story we had for like 50-60 years ago in my country which isn’t urs obviously ( from a northern eruropean country with equal rights gender wise and also higly informed on couples therapy to MEET eachothers needs while in those). I hear u speak a lot about women and that their needs should lower down to a level where they are not happy either, all though I do agree that they should never ever put themselves in a position where they are needy and tap into a mind spiral that will destroy their every day life and happiness. Yet, u emphasize the guys needs, and why are those more important than a woman’s needs in a serious relationship? Why should she be cutting back on her wants and needs in a relationship just because men have another way? Men needs to learn that if they don’t wake up and go for it,or if they don’t pay attention and are forthright, they will be left single for their entire life, eternally bachelors. Why don’t u point out that fact too? It’s not that I have a lot of insight into relationships going good, but I do know that if a woman feels excluded and left out, in terms of communication and attention, she will leave for someone else, married or not. It’s a very kown fact in my age, and all western countries have high devorce statistics. Perhaps u are not old enough yet to execute ur opinions publicly Eric? At least not to those most vulnerable in here, which are young and haven’t found that security they will see when mature enough, regardless of age or what have u? I’d love to see a comment on these things. Perhaps u need to even travel more before giving anyone any advice, as in seeing the world first? What do I know.
My boyfriend only tells me he loves what I bring to the relationship for him but isn’t even sure how he feels about me I gave our the relationship the kiss of death by telling him I loved him for who he is not what he does where do I go from here? After reading this article and another I think I should just leave as I’m not important as a person but by what I do and as a woman we are taught servitude so it’s
Not showing I care it’s just what I’ve been taught you put others first cause that’s wh women are taught to do. For women words mean something most actions go unnoticed
My boyfriend of 1 year does not want to have sex with me. He only wants to take care of himself alone. We get along great in all ways except this one. To me it feels like a big void to me, but not to him. He says its just a physical act that is not necessary. He shows little affection and does not like to kiss or touch each other whatsoever. I am not unattractive , I have other options , but choose to be with him. He says I am selfish and should give sex up. I dont expect any changes in him, this is him . Im ready to move on and explore options that would be a better fit in the physical department. Not an easy decision since we share all our time together and enjoy it alot . This is not easy. I struggle with making a change. I will miss him greatly. What to do. I have read most of your articles and ask myself am I needy for sex or isnt sex a natural part of a relationship, and it should exist within the relationship??
That’s definitely a hard decision and I’m sure you will miss him greatly… at the same time, I imagine if you ask yourself if you really would be living the life you want if you were stuck in a relationship where the physical part just wasn’t working… I couldn’t do that…
Plus, for all you know, maybe he wants the relationship to end and just can’t do it himself… who knows… You’re certainly not needy for s*x just because you, like any normal person, expect there to be a physical aspect in your relationship. It’s natural.
Or just tell your boyfriend you want to come visit me and I’ll take care of you.
Kidding… trying to keep it light… good luck with everything.
Can I visit you too Eric? My boyfriend won’t have sex with me either ?? Just kidding, he’s great! And a relationship without sex is not a relationship at all – at least in the romantic sense. How can you stay in such a relationship if your goal is to have a family some day? Assuming that is a goal, of course. A relationship without sex is not a romantic relationship, it is a friendship, nothing more.
Hi guys cn u hlp hre ,I love ma gail prblm is the tht she cnt even to clean the house,wash ma washin, even to cook, so I hve to do thse thns whn um frm the wrk, I hve try to tko to hre, thy is no room for improvement, wht cn I do plsss hlp me.
It’s simple…Don’t expect her to do this. Most men do..Tell her something like this. Hey come on., let’s get the house clean then we can go get some breakfast and enjoy the rest of the day together. What would you want to do today? See if that works.You continue to do do the housework cooking ect. You will be expected to do it yourself. Put some expecting on he . The question is are you a team.?Your partners aren’t you? Why should she do it if you are willing to do it? Goodluck
Why is it that he spend all the time texting me and talking on the phone til we fall asleep but still continue talking to this girl…
Im married 3kids she’s married 1kid and I believe we fell in love (ina big way) however she has run away…..having said we would always be friends and insisting I should have said a valentine card that arrived at her desk was from me!…3 times I told er it wasn’t from me and she still came back a fourth time looked me straight in the eye and said “you SHOULD have said that card was from you”….anyway I am so in love with her (even though she isn’t here and isn’t talking to me at all) that at times it actually feels as though I AM her….which is completely bonkers…it’s as if she’s in my smile….in my walk….in my laugh….when I whistle a tune she’s there!….I’ve never felt so alive and I get more out of life than ever before….and I can’t stop smiling and laughing!….and this all since August 2012. …mental.
Why is a guy’s time more valuable than a woman’s time ? Why is THEIR time (mostly) the ULTIMATE proof of love? I mean, I understand if you’re the President, or a Doctor, why if you’re an average Joe? Never got to understand this concept.
A guy’s time isn’t more valuable than a woman’s… nor is a woman’s more valuable than a man’s…
If you interpreted that I was saying or implying that somewhere in the article, I can promise you, that’s definitely not what I was saying…
If someone, man or woman, chooses to spend time with you (specific time to be with you), then that’s a way that they might be showing their love since (in the immortal words of Jay-Z): “You coulda been anywhere in the world, but you’re here with me. I appreciate that.”
So there is this guy that i have been in a long distance relationship with. He had many relationships before yet i was his first marriage proposal. He set my expectations really high and when he was back, he did almost nothing of what he said he would do, i got quite disappointed as i believed all his words and promises and i had to breakup with him. He didnt respond at all and just disappeared. After 3 months he texts and says that he’s thinking of me on a couple’s application. I replied normally and we spoke abt my studies then the next day he sent it again. I got confused and i really dont know what he wants, i asked him what does he want or what is he expecting and he replied that he is only being spontaneous. I dont wanna get back to him, but at the same time i highly respect him , afterall he is a man i thought of spending a lifetime with. I feel guilty for being cold and mean but at the same time i dont want to give him hope. So what do u suggest?
Please help me. I never write into these sites, but I really need some de-coding. I have dated “Alex” for 11 months now. He has been the nicest, sweetest guy I’ve ever been with. Our connection was instant. Our dates fabulous. He has wined and dined me at the best places almost every weekend. He calls, usually only once a week to make the date. He is several years younger than me.
After about 8 or 9 months ago I asked if there was a future, because he still had not introduced me to anyone in his life. He attended family functions without me. He said flat out “No, there isn’t.” He said cuz I was a bit older and he wanted kids, he did not want to put me through having kids again (I’m divorced, with a 17 year old son). I said I could still have kids, and I would want them with him.
But he said no. So, I said okay then I can’t be with you anymore. However, he could not and did not want to leave me. He said he cared about me. We just could not part, our times together were always so sweet and full of magic.
Fast forward, now at 11 months, we kept on because we laugh all the time, have the greatest time and wonderful intimacy. But, I wanted more. I wanted to be his girlfriend and he would not agree. The last straw was Christmas when he spent it with his family that I still have not met. I gave him gifts and he gave me nothing. I don’t care about gifts, just the thought. He spends tons of money when he takes me out, which I enjoy, but it’s not all I want. I developed feelings for him, but they began to fade and I started feeling like a friends with benefits type of “call girl” to put it mildly. So, not to manipulate him, cuz I hate games and I care about him, but I decided to not have sex after a date for a change. He was begging for it and pleading with me. I told him I was just his date and I couldn’t invite him in for sex anymore. Because he always said “We’re just dating, you’re not my girlfriend.” Yep, he meant what he said. But I can no longer give my body whole-heartedly when he does not love me or want a future. Something just dies inside me and my sexual feelings get killed off eventually.
Well, we have never fought, he has always treated me like a lady. He has always been sweet and gentle and kind. I never wanted to manipulate this. I just wanted my boundary. I want a ring on my finger and a commitment and to meet the family.
But, after last night, he begged me to have sex because he had a hard day. He had never begged me before. He didn’t want to let me out of the car. I was just going to give him a kiss, thank him, and leave and see if he would still want to date me after no sex. He is single, not seeing anyone else, nor is he interested in pursuing anyone else. We are exclusive sexually and we don’t text or online date. And yes, he has “issues” and I do too. No man is perfect. I know, move on love your life, blah, blah. Which I do love my life as much as is possible, but I can’t move on super fast and I don’t want to. He has stuck with me weekly for almost 1 year and I care very much about him. I don’t think he’s a jerk and I don’t want to hurt him. But, I am not a woman who chases, calls, begs, etc. I will leave it be and see what happens. But, I am just so tired of men wanting me, but not wanting me. Or, I will get the ones that want a relationship, but they are the opposite, almost consuming me and rushing everything.
Please answer, I feel I really f…….ed up. I have no idea how to navigate with men and this guy is the first man that has ever not hurt me and been abusive physically, emotionally, or sexually with me. So, you can see he makes me feel so safe. But on the other hand, I want to be invited into the front house and not live in the back, if you know what I mean. ??
You are in pain emotionally, it’s not a good relationship for you. He is getting what he wants as far as keeping you a secret and having fun, he has no reason to change. If he considered you at all he wouldn’t treat you like that when you’ve clearly told him on more than one occasion that you are unhappy. It takes you a lot longer than most women to get to the point where you know it won’t work out for you. You are likely a selfless kind person who puts others needs before your own so it’s hard to stop being caring and giving to a person you’ve invested a lot of time in. You need to be kind to yourself. You’ve wrote your own answer to your own question. You just need support in moving on. And it may take you a few tries but eventually you’ll move on. When you move on, you at least have the hope of finding someone who will treat you as you know you should be. Be strong, and take care of yourself for a change, stop hoping he will change for you. He may give in a tiny bit to keep you longer but he will never put you first.
Thanks, Carol. You gave me a lot to think about. I was worried, that by rejecting him that night that I would lose him. But he called me right away, twice, then he came over in the middle of the week. He had missed me. I am still on the fence, because I’ve blindly taken people’s good advice in these issues, and right now I believe I want to see how it plays out and be aware of how I feel.
It would be like quitting something, but you’re not ready, so you just want it all the more. I appreciate your words very much. Thank you.
I should have mentioned that the day he came over was his birthday.
Also ask yourself, when you look back at passed boyfriends do you even regret your decision that you left them? I know it’s hard to leave, it’s like quitting smoking or going on a diet. It takes a lot of will power. The first week or two is the hardest. then it gets easier until you wonder way you ever went out with them as long as you did. At least that is what I remind myself. Works for me. Hope this helps.
Good point, and no there is not one regret, lol. Looking back, I’m so glad. I also thing “How could I have been with…….?”
I’m just not ready to let him go. I’ve never been with someone like him. Usually, someone like him would have dropped me very early on, like after the 3rd date, or after he got the sex. I made him wait about 2 or 3 months.
And most men that hold onto me this long, have already asked me to marry them. So, this guy is a very different guy than I have ever been with. Gotta give it more time, until my feelings change, which eventually they will if nothing moves forward.
I believe the problem is that he is a Capricorn….. That is the same way that my Capricorn man acted. The good thing is that he is out of my life now. But the bad thing is that I still love him and it hurts because I know he is not any good but trying to convince my heart what my head and gut already knows is killing me. Yes talk about an emotional rollercoaster. But he knew exactly what he was doing and so does yours. The thing is where he is playing with your heart like that it causes trauma bonding, I hope you don’t go through that like did and still am after 7 months of not seeing him. It’s getting better but I still have my days. It makes you sick to think how you can love someone so much and they turn around and seem to feel the same way until it comes time to bring you out of the closet. Then that is when you will see the true him come out. Trust me on this one…. Been there and done that.
Also wanted to point out that mine waited 6 months to be with me. We were or at least I thought were best friends., then we fell in love. Well I guess I should say I fell in love because the proof is in the pudding no matter which way you stir it. Hope either he shaped up or shipped out and your OK. From one woman with a very big heart to another.
I’ve been dating this guy for 6months now & he says that he loves me so much bt some times i feel like dumping him for no good reasons but i love him.Will this not make me regret in future? Plz help
Love is not meant to be struggle & it’s not always mutual.You may love someone, but that person may not feel the same way which is unfortunate.IN LOVE,THERE’S NO FEAR! Follow your heart’s desire
stop wasting your time and dump him. if a guy likes you, you’ll know. you wont have to visit any sight for advice sef. ex bf did the same thing. summoned up d courage to leave his ass. few months later, met the man of my dreams. it should feel effortless. if you’re afraid to lose him, he’ll keep acting crazy
its hard when u like a man and they cant tell falling in love is reallky hard. im so crazy about this man that if i dont see him it makes my day really bad, he hasc a woman and she is very lucky i wish i could be with this man and really tell him how i feel without scaring him away.its not a crush its about how he makes me feel as a person
Mr. Charles, your advice is always so good. I love reading your articles, and some of the things you’ve said about women and confidence, power struggles (and the inherent danger in injecting such a struggle in the first place), and now on the “L” word–I turn to daily.
Every article I read (for men or women) it’s the same, guys who they are, accept it. Why must women always adjust or adapt?
I know this is an old post, but I completely agree with you. I thought a relationship meant that both people GAVE to one another. Usually, it is me giving to the man (in one way or another). I’ve decided I like my freedom more than having to endure yet one more selfish person. And I do know this works both ways.
Women don’t have to adapt. That’s the great thing about dating. I’m not looking for a woman that I date to adapt. But understand that if I am happy with just dating and you want a relationship, I am not going to suddenly flip a switch and start committing to you just because. Once a woman threatens a man with an ultimatum or the feeling of being boxed in a corner, they will walk away or fight their way out of it. Either way, men will walk away and not feel the need to be bothered. We are more comfortable being single. Yes, we enjoy dating but it’s just dating. Some women say it’s a fear of commitment. Some women say men aren’t real men but boys. Say what makes you feel better. I don’t get mad nor defensive. I just move on as most men do. We men really are simpler creatures. Intelligent but simple. Every notice how we get more worked up mentally and emotionally over a sporting event or politics? Ever wonder why we don’t but that passion into women? Because inpart the game or political thing is a short burst of energy. That’s how most men are. Hope this gives women an understanding. We are just not like you. We are men.
thnks for sharng wth me…. atlst i knw hw to deal wth relationshp
Ok I used to live in Waterbury ct. worked at stop&shop for 3 years, I would walk to work everyday in all kinda of weather, then one day this car pulls up and this Jamaican guy asked me if I wanted a ride, I said yea sure thank you, he took me to work, he asked me if I needed a ride home I said yes,, so for the longest from then on he would take me to work everyday and pick me up, he asked me if I wanted to go to his house one day, I said yes, he carried me up the stairs so romantically and we made love & we were seeing each other for a while, as time went on I grew to love him more and more every day, , I loved him so much and wanted to marry him but I never told him my feelings, and he never told me that he love me, but one day we were making love I thought I heard him say it faintly . but I pretended I didn’t hear him so I never said anything, as time goes on now I’m in love with him and I want him to at least say something & he never would, all he kept doing was talking about how he was already married and he would always bring up black & white & put that on me when I never said that,, I would never say that, & I told him if that mattered to me then I wouldn’t be here with you everyday sleeping with you, I kept telling him how I didn’t care about that,& then he kept bringing up how he was older than me & I told him I didn’t care about that either,, so one day I just got fed up listening to all the negative things & I told him how I was leaving, i said you were already married , you already know what it feels like to be married & I don’t know what it’s like & if I stay here then I will never know what it’s like,,so then he drops me off at my brothers house in Bridgeport & before he left he calls out my name and I turned around and said ( yea ) and then he was like, nothing never mind & then walked away and never seen him sense ,, it’s been years sense I seen him, so I called him this past winter & that didn’t go to well at first he starts yelling at me on the phone, I didn’t hear everything he said because he was yelling, all I heard was your the one that left Trudy , so I been calling him this summer and I told him that I loved him and I always did and that I should have told him how I felt,,so he didn’t call back for awhile,, I assume he needed time to think about that lol. so then he finally starts calling me back which I was very shocked,, but he keeps telling me he’s gonna stop by and see me and never does,, I really do hope he stops by because I really do love him & I need to hold him,, I wish I never left him,, I lost my best friend just because my stupid ass wants more,, I don’t know if he ever loved me or not and I need some type of closer. I called him and asked him, if he would please just tell me if he ever loved me or not,, I said if you didn’t love me that’s ok, I will go on. then he brings up if I ever got married , like it was funny, but I let that go,,and also in the past when we were together, he would play these 2 songs almost every time I went to his house, from journey: ( don’t stop believing ) & ( faithfully ) . now did he play them for me like I thought he was. Or did he just like the music.
I have been having sex with my best friend for about eight months. He says we are just friends with benefits. Sometimes he’ll say that his ex girlfriend used to do the same things I do. Like if I say something she used to say he’ll say my last girlfriend used to say that. One night he said I love you but the next night he says we are friends with no benefits. My question is did he stop having sex with me because he is starting to fall in lot with me?
I doubt you can provide any useful advice to seniors except in human generalities. Most relationship gurus haven’t lived long enough. At 85, my experience shows there are an enormous number of generational taboos that continue through life and will never change with most women in my age group. Society seems to change and become more free and open every day but seniors hold on to the conventions of their earlier years. Dr. Adam Sheck, who has a site called “The Passion Doctor” issued a piece titled, ” 20 Reasons To Have ___ Right Now”. It was wonderfully helpful in breaking the ice for me but it still met only with a nod of approval and a resurrection of old taboos. I try very hard to be diplomatic, sensitive and demonstrate a sincere concern. I’m a widower for nearly 6 years after more than 58 years of a happy, fulfilling marriage, time is growing short and I need more than conversation. I am currently in a very compatible relationship. There is a 13 year difference in our ages which doesn’t appear to be any problem. She has another relationship problem that may be an influence in holding off. We have been very open in our personal conversations but I sense there is some history or private thinking that hasn’t come out. Can you offer any advice, although still healthy may I repeat, time is getting short. My cute little dog isn’t sufficiently satisfying.
There is a guy I like that I’ve known for over a year now and a couple of months ago I told him I loved him he was kind and pleased with my honesty he has a gf kind of but not serious.
He told me he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship, and would not start a second relationship while with the first woman as that would be unfair to both of us and would make a bad boyfriend right now as he’s trying to find himself and has many things to do and wouldn’t be able to give me the attention I need.
He has always been friendly and respectful towards me and is a natural flirt.
However after I told him my feelings he’s been getting noticeably more affectionate towards me he’s never acted like that or looked at me that before.
He’s become more playful and he’s actually started to become nervous and bubbly.
He’s gotten alot closer and more interested in me I don’t know how all this stuff works but we are friends and I know my feelings so I really don’t know if he’s scared, if he’s suddenly feeling something towards me or what.
Can I subscribe to you somewhere? You’re a beast. I have never had the mind of a guy spelled out so clearly.. Wow.
My relationship has been very rocky lately , it’s been 6 months and we use to argue all the time but we stopped because I fixed it . But I feel like I’m the one always doing the work trying to make us get back together making sure that he is happy and I know men don’t express there love like women do but a little affection can’t hurt that much . I give him all my attention and I feel like I don’t get any . He told he me he doesn’t really do that stuff but why ? And he barley sends me text messages back now when he does it just little conversations for and hour or two I know he is busy sometimes but . I just wanna know . If I should keep fighting for this relationship of it’s worth . I know he loves me but I feel like I’m the one doing all the work in the relationship like I’m in a relationship by myself
I like a man at work, he is just ending a six year mariage. It ended at leat six months ago. He started flirting with me at work. We talked on the phone and kissed. He asked me what I was looking for and when I told him he said he did not want a relationship. We are still friendly at work. The problem is I am falling for him. Now what do I do. I know he is not perfect but when I look at him all I see is what I want.
i m sorry for being rude but in really life , no true love exist . The men wants only and only physical pleasure now these days and girl refuse so she was tags as boring . In todays world sex is more important more than true love and understanding …
I had been dating a guy for 2 years and I asked him if he was in love with me and he said what is love, true love takes a long time to develop, I want to say it to someone I really want to marry. He said he wasn’t sure if I would be in his life for a long time. I was hurt and I told him to take some days to think about how he viewed me and our relationship. He said he really cares about me, happy I’m in his life. He hadn’t introduced me to his best friends yet. We had a good fun relationship. He treated me with respect, spent lots of time together, talking, we were best friends. I always wondered these things and finally I asked him about it. 3 months later it still bothered me so I ended it. I felt like I had given him 100% of me and if he couldn’t recognize my heart, who I was, all that I had done for him then what more could I do? As time passes by, I will still be me. Getting over the breakup is hard. I’m the one that ended it but I’m hurting too.
Help…does he love me! Me & my partner are both 1st loves, we were together for 4yrs when we were young. We split up for 20yrs then got back together 3yrs ago. I truly love him but he finds it hard showing me love. He wont kiss me, hold hands, link, if we have a photo taken he wont put his arm around me. The only time he cuddles me is in bed. He always says “love you” at the end of a phone call to me. I don’t feel loved, i feel more like his friend. I really do love him though but i beat myself up inside. Hes also got a eye for the ladies so this makes me feel really insecure. Someone please advice me .
He is not treating you the way you need to feel secure in a relationship. I remember feeling like that with my first love, many years ago. I would suggest talking with him about it. Tell him you want more affection. He may not be affectionate but if he’s a good partner he’ll make an effort. I need a lot of affection in relationships…I understand this.
I always have doubts about my boyfriend, because of my trust issues with almost anybody. But this post had clearly shown me the things my boyfriend has been doing and expects me to get his message that he loves me. Many people among us knows that he loves me, but its me who is in doubt. For a woman who values actions over words, this post had confirm my understanding, and maybe a better help to love my boyfriend more, because he has been helping me getting over my doubts patiently and well, because he is always sincere, i will soon wont ever doubt him at all. Thanks for posting.
After reading this I m so confused..Im in a long distance relationship AnD he has just started off with his career so he doesn’t have much time for me. But on the other hand he introduced me with his family as the girl he wants to get married to. I talk to his parents and have even met them twice. I have met his close friends too andeveryone even his boss knows about me. So what should I judge! He is good at point two but not doing well at one. M so confused.. Please help I am always on a chase. I really love him and want to be with him but his behavior irritates me. I am on the giving end.
Eeeeep! I met someone about 4 months ago, he is wonderful and I think we have something special. It is still early, and it is long distance, but we have been able to connect twice since and have scheduled time monthly through May. Recently…I feel like I really screwed up in “NOT” appreciating a pointed effort he attrmpted specifically for my benefit…
For our next meeting, he has hotel options that I don’t, and opened the conversation by asking me what I thought about where he should stay. I was a little confused and didn’t feel comfortable assuming much, he had the knowledge of the options, I didn’t as I never stayed where he had. So, he was trying to see if it mattered more to me where “we” stayed or if having a tub in the room was more important… I completely missed the nuance because he didn’t ask me “out” or if we could maximize our off time together, etc. So, in the end he finally admitted to just wanting to “provide a nice shower for me, if I want to stay with him”. Duh, I feel so dumb now and completely missed “appreciating his thoughtfulness! How can I redeem this? Should I wait until we are there together, meeting up at the airport and express my appreciation then?
Hi dear Eric, I need your advice .It’s almost a year that I feel that I feel that I fell in love in love with a guy(he is not aware of this feeling we don’t know eachother in person but our families are in touch so it cause us to be familiar with eachother) he has got his M.A. from abroad and now works there.I wanted a lot to supress my feelings but I couldn’t be able and now I don’t know what to do?I want him to know about my feelings but I’m afraid of his reaction.I don’t want to bother him or even lost him.What do you think how should I do to express my feelings in a way that I can keep my self-esteem too.Please don’t laugh at me as I believe in telepathy .I practiced it alot . But I don’t know how much it work.As a real god believer I do believe that praying help me alot since he is a god believer too.I feel that having a connection with god will leads our souls to have a link.As I have already read in your text you mentioned that it is better not to tell a guy that you like him.But I want to convey my feelings indirectly .I look forward to know your guiding answer. Thank’s in advance cordially yours
i live with my boyfriend who is really romantic, like he kisses me all the time holds me and the usual he just wont be intimate with me anymore please help.
when a guy wants you or likes you but swears to hid friends that he will never ask you out on a date ,how do you make him ask you or lead him to ask you axcept trowing yourself on him thats too embarrassing enough already?
Everyone loves it when people come together and share opinions.
Well my husband hasn’t shown me any love in 45 years of marriage. He loves his garage, work shop, his cars and his apartment he built on to the garage. For all those years we have been married but never slept the whole night nor associated with each other. Life suck’s but now I lived this way for so many years that I don’t care any more. In our mid 60’s and dieing would be an improvement .
NOW WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING WITH HIM IF HE DOES NOT MEET YOUR NEEDS AS A WOMAN? PLEASE DONT TAKE THIS QUESTION THE BAD WAY
I met a guy on a dating website this past Valentine’s Day. He lives on another island and I live in Honolulu, so it is sort of a long-distance relationship, although it works with our work schedule (he’s a pilot and I’m a realtor).
We spent the first month talking on the phone, and finally had our first lunch date. Since then we were together as much as possible for the next 2 1/2 months. I would spend time with him on his layovers and I would fly up to spend time with him at his house. He even invited me up to meet his parents who were in town on vacation, so I went up and spent 4 days with them, which included his mother’s birthday celebration.
He showed all of the signs that you have noted in your article and I knew that he cared about me. We didn’t have a dinner here, lunch there. We spent days together and were inseparable from the moment he/I got off the plan until he/I got back on the plane. I could feel that he cared about me after spending all that time with him. When we weren’t together, he was great about texting, calling, or facetiming almost daily.
His last visit was about a month ago and my last interaction with him was dropping him off at the airport and him kissing me passionately curbside. Everything was great and then 3 days after he left he wanted to talk on the phone. That’s when he told me that he had issues with my dog sleeping in bed with me (he thought it was dirty) and that I wasn’t into keeping physically fit (by the way my work keeps me very active and I am 5’7″ and 120lbs). I sighed in relief and told him that I could totally work on those things (and I had actually planned to start yoga again). He then said that we can still see other people right? I was surprised by this, but I answered: sure, are you? He said yes, he is talking to another girl he met on the same dating website. I said that I was not looking for a fling and that I wanted to be in a relationship, etc. That’s when he said that he didn’t think we should see each other anymore. This conversation took place 4 weeks ago and I made the mistake of texting him sporadically for the first 2 weeks and have not reached out to him since.
I want him back so bad. I don’t understand what happened. Everything was going great and we got along so well. We had a great time together–he even said that we have great chemistry and that dating me has been amazing. I met his parents and his best friends knew about me. What happened?
My question is: Does he miss me at all? Will he ever reach out and try to contact me? Would he ever want to get back together? I have gone through break-ups before and have always agreed that it was for the best. In this case, it came out of left-field and I had no idea anything was wrong. It just doesn’t feel like the end of our story…help!
Eric!! ur the man…please dont ever start charging us for the info u give us ?? ur stuff is real and it works.the whole website, all ur info iv been addicted to it for days now.it really helps. And its free i cant belive it. I would love for u to answer my 1 question with ur opnion or knowldge that u hold please.. ‘The respect principle’? nothing..so I read rom a diff web..however when u respect him thats his way of knowing u lov him? is that true? sooo..question is..how do u show this respect ..cus apprantly when u show him this kind of respect…h starts falling in love with u too…hmm ?? thansk Eric x
thats how guy knows u love him..tellin him u love him mean may
Wow this is amazing ?? this article made me feel much better about my relationship, I’ve been questioning my boyfriends love for me latly since he has been so wishy-washy, he told me he really loved me because I was being so supportive and believed that we could work things out after a break up, the love thing was surprising. And kinda makes me tippy toe around him (don’t want him to do it all over again) but he is doing nice things for me like picking me up from work and inviting me to dinners with his family. I really hope this is his way of saying he truely does love me and he made a mistake ??
22 years ago, I was in a relationship with a wonderful man. I fell head over heels for him. He was very good to me. He was always doing things for me. However, because he wasn’t one to demonstrate physical affection (hugs, hand holding, spontaneous kisses) I was afraid that he didn’t love me as much as I loved him. Dumb…I know. Anyway, we went our separate ways. I moved to a different town an hour away and ended up marrying someone about 6 years later. After 12 years, we divorced.
Three months ago, I contacted this man from 22 years ago by writing him a letter. I gave him my phone number in case he felt like calling me sometime. He called me the day after receiving the letter. During that time, we have been having a blast emailing and talking on the phone. He invited me for lunch in his town and we had a very nice day talking, catching up, and having lunch. He even called me after I got home to make sure that I made it safe and sound.
I invited him to spend Thanksgiving with my family. He baked a cake and brought it with him. He spent the day and had a very good time. I ended up emailing him the following day letting him know that even after all these years I still loved him and always had. I asked him if he would give some thought to where this reunion could take us (neither of us want to get married again).
He replied by thanking me for being honest with him about my feelings. He then told me that he wanted to think on it and then we would talk in person. He told me that he would call me soon. I haven’t contacted him further because I don’t want him to feel pressured. Also, I work 1st shift and he works 2nd shift…weekends are about the only time that we can communicate.
Any ideas on what might be going through his mind? From a man’s perspective, what are your thoughts?
If want a man perspective as man I think he loves you for sure
it was coooooooooool
Thak’s for this site, i learned a lot, thank’s to all especially to Eric,
Well me too, i don’t understand my man we’ve been dating for almost 2weeks, i slept with him but i keep telling him i’m not ready to make love, so he said ok i have patience. I’m 30 and he’s 45.
I really don’t know if he’s really interest on me because he knew me three years ago that i’m still a virgin, and then we crossed our path again after 3 years, but i’ve seen him with a diffrent woman, for the past years, but even he’s with gf hes always smiling at me always say hello…..
And suddenly he came to my place where i work and ask for a date and he’s always waiting for me till late at night, and which i really appreciated for what he’s doing, He keeps texting me I really miss you, but seems i don’t believed him.
And now he went back to his country, asking me if can wait him if i like.
I like him but i have doubt, i dont want to be hurt.
Please i need some advice!
Thank you thank you! God Bless and More Power to all!
I’m inlv wit a guy he just keeps telling me he loves me and I love him too, he wants a baby with and all stuff but the probelm is when we together we don’t talk too much we just reach that silent moment everytime I don’t what it means cause everytime we together we don’t have much to talk we just be busy with tv or other things but not settling down talking like others like having jokes but he’s serious help please
I have been dating a guy for a little over a month, we met online and he lives 45 miles away. We slept together on our last date and he stayed till the next day. We had plans to go out this week but as of Mon. he is unsure of wether or not he will even be living in the state anymore due to his job. While talking to me about this over the phone, I told him that we should probably not see eachother anymore if he is going to have to be moving away. He said he understood and didn’t want to hurt me or himself. I quickly said “good luck and take care” and hung up. We previously texted and talked several times daily. Have not talked since this conversation 2 days ago and I am wondering if I didn’t make a mistake? I really like him and believe he really liked me.
I am in a relationship with a guy who is 18 years younger than me & he is also my boss. I have been with the company for 2 years & 2 months (March 2010) & I now assist him in running it , I was diagnosed with breast cancer May 2010 & had both breasts removed. He asked me out on a date in Sept 2010, 2 months after my operation & that turned into regular dating every week & most weekends . He brought an apartment July 2010 after living with his mum & dad most of his life & asked me to help him set it up with furniture etc… He helped me through the Chemo & rad treatment & in January 2011 he asked me to move in with him. We get on great although we do have our disagreements now & then. At home, he is very affectionate with lots of cuddles & kisses & tells me often how much he loves me, even more than I know & that I am his life. We spend most of the time in each others company but he rarely spends time with his friends or family or doesn’t go out of his way to contact them like he used to. He has introduced me to his family & good friends but not as his girlfriend but his friend or flatmate. He is a very private person & doesn’t like people knowing about his personal life. His family & friends suspect we are a couple although he will tell them I am his flatmate. At work they suspect, but nothing has been said. My question is, “does this seem strange that he wants to keep us a secret. We go out a lot & if any one we know sees us, he doesn’t care, he doen’t mind me going out although he will ask what time will I be home or text him when I leave. I love him very much and we have talked a lot about it, his reply is what we have is no one elses business & as long as we are happy thats all that matters. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.
so i met this guy on a dating site three months ago. We live 7000 miles from each other. He just got divorced. His ex wife cheated on him. But there were also a lot more factors why they broke up. Well, anyway it is really strange because both of us fell in love after talking online. We’ve skyped a few times. He says he’s coming in a few months to marry me. We talk almost everyday. I’m calm abt the whole thing. He does give me time. I just hope he’s for real and he really is coming to meet me. I’d be devastated if he doesn’t come! =/ he’s a really nice guy. He says he wants a marriage and he can’t see himself not being married. He didn’t even want to get a divorce but his ex wanted it. So i hope the both of us will work. =) hoping for the best!
this is such a great article ?? my ex and i broke up recently (he wanted out) and i am not taking it so well. i am one of those women who are insecure and i always wanted him to be around me, as much as possible. yet, we only meet on weekends (his say as he needs ALOT of space). after what you mentioned about the guy wanting to spend time with you, i see things in a different light. it is true that he loves me though his actions, by spending much more time with me than anybody else, other than his colleagues while they are at work.
i am new to this website and i will read on more and hopefully, we will get back again in time to come ??
Hi Eric.. It was a very beautiful article…. and you write really well with all the feelings .Ii really loved the line ” he is sharing himself with you”…and one more line ” he wants to connect you to the people he is most connected to “…..I am really lucky to have my someone special in my life …and your someone special would be really lucky to have you..
really im so touched. he does those things to me even I already break up with him. I love all your’e articles. “Very Realistic”
OMG! I was touched when you said ” But there is one gift that is an excellent gauge of his love for you: his time.”
He never gave me anything last feb.14.. And I was disappointed(But not really3x disappointed), I told him that. He told me he still have no money yet, but when the time comes he will have a job.. He promised me he will give me the things that would make me happy..
We just go out that day, and ate @ a restaurant.. were happy and enjoyed because we love eating together. ??
I am with my man for over 2 years now and he has never said that he loves me. Now there are a lot of things about him and the relationship that seem odd to me, many indications that women see as signs of not being in love… however I (after a long journey) have realized that he does love me. He loves me very much. I know this because he is brutally honest. It took me a long time to figure this out about him but if he didn’t love me he wouldn’t still be with me, and the times we broke up we would have stayed apart.
He takes care of me in his own ways, and is there for me when he believes I need him to be. That being said, if he thinks something I find to be the end of the world isn’t that bad he wont baby me… he’ll tell me to think about the good things. He’s harsh, and he’s cold but he’s real and the truth is, he’s right.
Sometimes he doesn’t introduce me to people and for a long time that made me feel like he didn’t want to include me in his life, but when I looked around I realized that he gives me unlimited access to his home & privacy. He gives me his debit card and pin # whenever I want it, he has of he and I together up on his facebook, he kept every stupid note I wrote him. Anytime he prepares food for himself, he prepares the same for me, he brings me coffee in the morning, he takes me out and if I ask for something, big or small, he gives it to me never expecting even a thank you. When he gets the shows we watch together he waits for me before he watches them, he forgives me for all the stupid & selfish things I do.
I want to hear him say that he loves me, but if I heard him say it, and he never showed me that he loves me again I would be devastated. What I’m saying is, I know now that he doesn’t have to say it for him to mean it. I don’t know why it’s hard for him, but I do know it’s not because he doesn’t love me.
I have never felt more secure with anyone in my life, and for over two years now I haven’t heard those words even once. The man in my life is the best love I have ever had and I wouldn’t trade him for all the sweet little nothings in the world.
Wow someones angry and if anyone ever cut off MY dick I would make them suck their own bone marrow out of various well dur bones.and everyday ild serverly cut them and quickly carterise the wound and ild rip open the abdomen and but in ant larvae and close em up and ild do this as long as possible thays how bad I think cuting off a mans dick is so dont even threaten a guy with that if I got threatend.with that she’ld be half way cross the room weird thing is I camae to this page after I searched I have no affection for others lol!im a 6’4 ft 15 year old with.messed up emotions and a preety darn good record.for getting 10’s at the gun range so bitch deal with it! Muahhahahao
Play nice dude. It’s OK.
Holding Myself Back
Thank you for sharing your point of view, Eric. I’ve been dating a guy for 3 1/2 weeks now. We made love on our 2nd date. He’s still around since our 2nd date. Even though he’s busy, he still takes time to be with me. He invites me in to his place or he visits me. He takes me out to dinner. He does things for me such as cooking, cleaning his place, hugging and kissing me, listening to me attentively, telling me what he thinks and his plans for the day or the week, and telling me his goals. He is sweet and passionate in actions. One time, he told me I’m a good friend. He is honest with me that he’s not ready for a relationship and he’s dating other girls (hands off with them). He said he wants to take it slow and he doesn’t want me to get hurt. He’s getting his life together financially, and I understand his situation. He knows I like him a lot. I’m holding myself back. I don’t want to fall on the ground. I don’t know if he’s staying or leaving. He might fall in love with one of the girls he dates and choose her over me. So, what do you think, Eric? Is he just staying with me for friendship? Is he falling in love with me? Is he just cautious? Is he afraid of getting hurt and rejected? Is he afraid of losing his freedom? Is he confused at this time of his life? Should I let him go or stay for a while? What do you think about our situation, Eric? I need insight from you, who is a guy. Thanks again.
Thank you! I have been with my guy for 2 years and after reading your advice I have decided that I have become complacent and my expectations are those of Hollywood movies. Its not roses and chocolates over here, BUT I get the shoulder rub after a hard day. He teases me and says “why dont you ever hold me?”, “you know you are loved and wanted.” He has passed on a baseball game with the guys when I was home sick and every morning he rolls over and snuggles me. This is just to name the few things that I thought of after reading your response. Guys and gals just express love talk differently. So thank you for slaping the reasonable advice in my face when I was doing a poor me I never get flowers girl.
Hi this is riya ,am in a love with guy ,i know he loves me ,but he has never introduced to his f rens as his gf , who ever ask hims he says she is my fren only ,but he is very true to me ,i has been into 4 yrs ,we used to have fights .we have been talking abt our marriage and everything in that he is not untrue ,,he is sincere only in marriage ,,but i have asked y not giving intro to your frens he said –i don like others making fun of me (not me ,himself ). and— is that very important that they should know abt u now ,
e f, i totally agree with you. my boyfriend shows me all these signs but he says he’s not in love with me. i’m sticking with it though because no other guy has ever treated me better. we decided to stay together for now but spend less time together to see if it helps since we’re together all of the time. so we’ll see what happens…
be careful girls. notice when hes made time for you. if you havent slept with him and hes making time for you, its not love. if youve slept with him and he wants more its not love. if youve slept with him, fought with him, broke up, made up and he still makes time for you its love.
Beware of this one… On one hand he might not have been receptive to your crush for the simple fact that he is aware of his friends crush for you, whom you formerly had a crush . On the other hand, it could be he’s not interested in you. If you noticed that he is looks at other girls, he could be subtly or “clearly” letting you know his attention is elsewhere; Divided, at best.
Thanks for this article. I’m an affectionate person and am a little disappointed that my new guy isn’t much of a cuddler. But reading this article gave me a new perspective, esp. the “gift of time.” He’s always the one asking “when can I see you again?” and even though he’s got all sorts of work and family commitments, makes time to see me, text, email, or call. By his own admission he’s not a “nurturing” kind of guy, so it’s a little harder to read him. But when I thought about all the time he makes for me, I realized that there’s no one “right” way a man shows interest.
I agree with you, my man is the same way he is hard to read sometimes which made me daunt but reading this article also made me think of all the time he makes to be with me and see me. And yes i do agree that there is no perfect guy that shows interest. They are all different in showing it.
its not about marriage , nor living together , nor having to talk everyday. Its about loving someone unconditionally wanting them to be happy with whom ever they are with. Letting them know you didn’t understand they felt the same, you wanted to tell them, you do love them the same way, if you like her i like her , if you don’t i don’t. Letting them know , there is someone who loves them , for themselves, criminal or not, did it or not. they have someone no matter what on their side. Ugly ass what ever you do kinda of thing. even if it child molesting . i still will be there. So, with that being said, i saw that he too loved me in the same manner, didn’t judge, said i was different , but i think he knows now, who i am, Jr.
Absolutely awsum stuff Eric! I’m kinda glued to my computer screen… Learning a lot from you!
Thank you so much, i will keep on reading and learning.
Thanks – I appreciate that and I’m glad it helped.
lol. Sufi. I can’t stop laughing aat your statement. lol. Women do talk too much. lol
Hey Eric , I’m with you, all us girls need to listen up and understand the interpoersonal dynamic from an open, honest man like yourself. I personally took offenxe at some needless banter about women from an earlier post,
I fall in like quite a lot and always seem to get tripped up by being a bit hoodwinked with fibs off guys in the first few nonths .
I’ve finally met someone who I think is authentic, but now we are both so nervous around each other I’m worried that we will slide into friendship. Or mutual respect and fascination of each other is clear in our communications via text, but around each other face to face, it feels like we are fizzing bombs waiting to go off ….like the pronise and potential is almost too much to bear. I’m 38 and we are like too shy teenagers ! Its an unusual predicament to be in to be honest, alomst as if the potential makes the situation that much more intense. I suppose I don’t want to ruin it by fastforwarding the intimacy and whislt the delicious potential warms my loins, I don’t want it to fizzle to friendship through fear of messing it up on either of our parts. You know when you meet someone you know something big could happen with ? Or maybe I’m mistaking the sitch and he does just want to be mates, or simoply isn’t sure….or is this a proper adult relationship and the start of sunmit….i enjoy pondering how to have a successful relationship a lot, as I have a bad marriage under my belt , so would particularly weclcome your thoughts and advices. Emotionally mature and open men are rare Eric, so your input would be appreciated. With respect and thanks to yoi and Mrs Eric, who must surely have to take some credit for your fabulousness lol
Thanks so much for your comments and compliments. Much appreciated.
No Mrs. Eric in the picture yet (at least, not a permanent one), but I have my amazing, wonderful partner Sabrina Alexis, who’s played (and continues to play) a critical role in everything I put out here on A New Mode.
Hey Eric, I guess this was the best post I’ve ever read. Thank you.. Now I can understand Why My Boyfriend a little bit more and see through a guy’s perspective.
I can’t believe how you are treating Eric and his site! He has taken the time to build it, advise you and share valuable information (and he look hot) and you are all using it to vent your own dis satisfaction with your lives and venting neurosis – when you should be making like Jimmy Hendricks ‘wisdom talks, knowledge listens’
We all have our own unique way of understanding the battle of the sexes, but basically men want the chase from a fiesty lady, not some two bit hooker with bad underwear, and men want the chase, the thrill, the opportunity to ruminate and consider this mystery lady unlike any other. If you don’t feel that he or she is giving you a thrill. Then find someone who does! Eric, the best sex starts with the mind – and your mind is amazing – you are one sexy man – respect to you and all you do dealing with some grade A muppets! I bet you know how to love a woman properly x love and lite angel x
Thanks for your comment and compliments. Much appreciated.
For the record though, I don’t mind women coming here to talk about the problems they’re facing in relationships or venting. I can’t always answer every woman, but I really appreciate that they come to do it here.
There’s only one thing I’m against in comments, and that’s commentary to the effect of being anti-men, male bashing or setting up a mentality of men vs. women. That kind of thing I cut-off real quick.
But venting… everyone can vent away. I love all our readers and fans and I am sincerely grateful to have you all. ??
Thank you! I think I have been so caught up in waiting to hear the words, ‘I love you,’ that I wasn’t focusing on the important thing… His actions. Even if he isn’t ready to say how he feels, he shows me through his actions. ??
I need your help…I really like this guy but I’m not sure if he likes me..We met through common friends..At first I didn’t have any feelings for him coz I liked another guy..But as time went by I stopped liking that guy and started liking him.We’ve never really met alone…always with our group of friends.So I haven’t really told him that I like him or anything coz I don’t want to ruin our friendship, in case things don’t work out between us.I just told him once on chat that I have a crush on him,but he didn’t react much.Also I know he doesn’t have a girl friend or anything ,but he checks out other girls & I really don’t like it.How do I tell him that I like him without ruining our friendship ??
The things you described fit what I have experienced with the man I met about 6 months ago. We have some very deep talks, shared thoughts. He always wants to be with me. This will sound strange, but we have been talking through playstation 3 home. We have not actually met, but i can tell he wants to. When we first met I was initially concerned with the things he was saying. But we have developed feelings for each other. And I really learned this when he was one for a month with no warning. He came back, and we talked, he was so concerned that I had not waited for him. I know he adores me, because he is always with me, and my pics are all over the place on home. He has told me he loves me, can this be true! He says that hes wanted me since we met, that there is something special about me, different from others met. Im concerned that when the time comes to meet, he wii be disappointed, cause hes fallen for a avitar. And not the real me, even though he’s said he doesn’t care about any of that
As I read your post I smile and then frowned. You sound like you make sense, but I am quite frustrated with my guy. We met in January 2009, started seeing each other in April 2009, became involved in a relationship in August 2009. I made the mistake of having a “i want a serious relationship” and literally sent him running a week later. We started breaking up in January 2010 and he gave me his final decision in February after 5 weeks of deliberation as he wasn’t sure he wanted to break up with me (all the while still going out every weekend). For about 9 months afterwards (slowly at first then every other week) we kept hanging out (he would always ask me). I decided I couldn’t continue in that weird state so I gave him an ultimatum which he did not accept so I stopped responding to him. We reconnected this February and started that strange it’s like we’re in a relationship but not really. Then we officially got back together in August 2011 (after i again started saying I needed clarity)…. we go out every weekend and talk several times a day (mostly his outreach). Problem? He’s never said he “loves me”. It defibitely appears he wants to spend lots of time with me and obviously thinks about me throughout the day (he texts and calls), but i’ve never met his roomate, or friends… I did meet his mom who lives in another country and came to visit him the first time around. He’s not the most romantic guy in the world… but it’s even hard for him to respond romantically…when I am romantic/sweet with words. So does he love me?
Oh one more thing… we’re only intimate (sexual) when we are officially in a relationship. So when we were hanging all that time after our break-up we were not gaving sex. So it wasn’t a “he’s getting his cake and eating it too”…. He never disrespected me like that.
I just read your post and this brought me to tears. I just stumbled across your website today and this is just what I needed to read. My ex and I recently got back together, and I’ve been struggling to understand wether or not he really loved me and was in this relationship. Then, I was reading this post and I got to “his time” I burst into tears. He has spent some of his time with me almost everyday since we got back together. Previously I only saw him 2 days a week and I was always asking for more time, and now that I have it I’ve been so ungrateful and needy I feel awful for acting out towards him. Thanks again for a great post!
Rue – I’m glad that this was helpful for you. I wish you good luck and a good future in your relationship.
Relationships aren’t always easy, but if you can strive to bring your best self to the relationship and put your best into it, you’ll be fine. Keep going and good luck. ??
My boyfriend of about 6 months shows all of these sign but he still says that he likes me. What are the chances of him actually saying it?
jasmine can go to lunch or she can go to ***
Ok I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. We have a son together. When we dated and he worked long haul he would tell me/and the world all the time how he felt about me. We have been living together for almost a year and everything stopped. The nice words, nice gestures, compliments, and sexy comments. I now feel like I am unattractive to him and he’s rather play on the computer, video games, watch TV then be with me. When we were together for a year he talked about marriage. Started planning it all out the date what colors he wanted and everything. Now he says nothing to something little when i bring it up. It doesn’t feel serious to him anymore and to be honest I feel ignored most the time. I tell him how i feel but I try not to be the nagging girlfriend and I let it go but then it starts bothering me when he hasn’t even told me a compliment or called me beautiful in over a year. How do I get it back? Is he out of love with me? Do i repulse him? He tells me no but the actions speak differently… help!
I am so glad I am doing the right thing in your opinions. I agree also with not expecting anything from him and our lives are better and happier that way. There were times I wanted to shake him and asked him “why this, that, those?” . I thought what would that do if he didn’t want it, why would I want to change him. He is a person and I am in love with him , I will take him as the way he is or leave him. I am not going to change the person he is or how he has made. One thing I strongely believe is “when someone truely wants you, he would try to do everything he can to have you” and “if that someone doesn’t recognize at all to how you wanted things to go, he is not for you.”.
Thank you once again Eric Charles for your time and your energy for all of us who are here. I wish you all the best of the world in everything you do and I do believe all of us here appreciated how you are trying to help us.
Thank you tutu – I appreciate you saying that and glad I could help.
Thank you to you Eric Charles, you have helped me so much to understand what men think.
They are weird , like you said. What I am doing to a man I love is I give him compliments in everything he did.
That’s great and I’m happy to hear that.
Appreciation and acknowledging everything you like about your partner goes a long way to improve your relationship.
1. It makes your partner more receptive to everything you say.
3. It makes them feel a bond to you, like you’re the only one who sees them or understands them.
Sadly, it can be easy in a relationship to fall into a routine or take the other person for granted. It can be easy to hold back appreciation for them because you resent something else they’re doing or feel that one of your own needs isn’t being met.
But when you can love and give freely without needing anything back in return, a funny thing happens: Love, acknowledgement and appreciation starts flowing freely to you. Your relationship gets better.
And when you think about it, why wouldn’t it? You’re recognizing your partner in an intimate, positive way. It seems obvious and yet somehow it’s still very rare in day-to-day life.
I’m glad to read that you’re taking this mindset to heart. Good luck.
You, Sir, are awesome and spot on! I’m involved with someone and we both love and care for each other. He told me loves me and I wasn’t quite sure how to really interpret that since he says he’s not ready for a relationship. The reason I commend you is because when we started seeing each other again he said he would be my friend for the rest of my life! If I need Anything he got my back because I need someone to depend on. We have known each other for a long time and just started seeing each other again. I have so much respect for him and he loves to give me advice and I tell him how much I admire his depth and appreciate the advice and knowledge he conveys. Each time I talk to him now he tells me more and more about things he once never mentioned. Our conversations are longer and more fun. When you said stop worrying/obsessing about what might happen and enjoy the time you spend, just that alone has helped me hear the whole conversation instead of stressing and obsessing. The icing was knowing that when he tells me he loves me it means I have a special place in his heart and he is promising to be there and be good to me. I used to think he was mysterious, but he’s just a Guy. I’m learning so much. I live like I’m single and enjoy my life and when we both have time we enjoy each other. Thank you Eric.
Who the hell do you think you are calling me stupid?….
learn to read correctly skank… you can’t even spell properly.
you don’t know anything about me or my interests, you are just a narrow minded cow.
Jenifer your stupid , u need to be slapped 4 being stupid! a relationship with a guy isnt a matter of life n death!! go focus on other things in the world like japan relife.org 4 those who died in the earthqwake..not weather he loves your man loves u or some other dumb bitch…
well said Sufi! , you make me a proud woman yo! thats it sista , most dese r white hoes anyways
Thanks so much for the insight!! It was so wonderful to read because so many things made much more sense and I am now able to appreciate his words and actions much more. Thank you!
miller1234* … i have read the comment you left and it has litterally turned my life around …. why rush love right or the feeling or the need to hear i love you …. from him or her … vise versa …. somone dont have to say i love you , somtimes it is shown threw actions and conversations between the two….. love is patient …. i think that is why my last marriage failed and bc of other reasons …. but my advise to ladies … is dont become infactuated wh him…. love comes with good and bad…. iv been wh my other for ab 7months and i dont need to feal the need to hear i love you bc he simply shows it…. and just as i simply show it to him… i live two hours away from him and hes in the airforce but far as long distance relationships … i trust him and he trust me….. i just know and i dont worry ab it… i have enough sense to tell if somthings going on…. i would think …. but this is my first time being in a long distance realtionship and i can deaf say LOVE IS PATIENT <3
So glad to find a close to justified answer as to what I was looking for. Out of curiosity I google’d this topic in hopes to find an answer to this “new love” that has been connected to me. This article responds to REAL,…TRUE LOVE. NOT puppy love, not love that is immature…but real, down right love. It took me 24 years to feel anything like what I do for this man, and when you know; you know, and the cases above describe it perfectly. Have I heard “I love you?”..no! But he has shown I love you in every way possible. Love truly is patient though and that’s the best part about this. There really is someone for every person out there, and it happens when you are least expecting it! Keep your eyes and your heart open, and when your heart is ready to surrender to love, it will ?? Such a great article! Thanks. and ladies… ALWAYS LET HIM SAY “I LOVE YOU” FIRST!
Wow. Eric your website is amazing and truly helpful. I have been dating my best friend for about a month now and since we became official, he’s become a different person. Not in a bad way, but just different to how he used to act when we were just friends.
Although we have said “I love you” to each other already, I-being a pessimist at times-tend to doubt his feelings for me, which I know I shouldn’t do. But after reading this post, I get it now. It is true, he HAS opened up to me and he DOES do errands for me. Despite the fact that he hasn’t said those three words in a while, he shows it every single day and that’s all that matters to me.
could someone please give me advice here?? im only going out with my boyf 10 wks but wev really clicked. the other night we got on to the topic of love and he suddenly said that i loved him even doh iv never said it, tbh i dont know how i feel yet but i do really really really like him!. so in our messing i told him that he loved me. now he has since told me he would never tell a girl first that he loves her as he would be too shy and afraid she wouldnt say it back, i told him i felt the same! now i cant help wondering do we both love eachother but neither of us is saying it and were both just keeping it bottled up?? or is he messing with my head??
I don’t think that you caused “irreparable damage” by telling him you love him when you did. There’s nothing wrong with sharing your love or feelings with someone you care deeply about.
On the other hand, we all have to remember that everyone responds differently to things and they don’t always respond how we would like them to (or even expect them to)…
It’s the situations where we don’t like their reaction that get us into trouble. When we react to their reaction with fear, worry, anger, frustration, resentment, embarrassment, etc., then that is when we end up creating a bad situation.
When we have the strength to avoid the subject and give the other person time to come around at their own pace, then things usually work out.
He said that he’s “falling in love with you”… that definitely means you’re on the right track. Like I said, he might not say the three words right away, but it sounds like he feels love for you and is approaching it his own way.
I would say just give it time, you didn’t do any damage, you’re doing fine. ??
First in response to Jasmine,
he said not all guys are this way…hes making a generalization.
Just as girls do when were speaking of other girls feelings, we cant anticipate to know what every girl in the world feels.
And reading this Q&A I feel slightly enlightened but also…I feel horrible…
The reason being, usually I don’t go out right away and say “I love you” to a guy…I usually wait awhile and the guy ends up saying it which in turn kind of pressures me into saying it BUT,
I met this guy in October and we click for pretty much every thing
over winter break of college we hung out a lot, and introduced each other to our friends and family. Then a quite moment came up after we had been going out for a short time,where I had the overwhelming feeling to say “I love you” so I did…
He was understanding but said he didn’t know the full meaning of love itself for any one other than his friends and family, and although he feels as though it could become love…he couldn’t say it.
I too was understanding, but when we would talk and it come close to the topic of like/love… he got slightly defensive, and says He’s still not ready to say love and he wants to make sure its the right time.
Even when I’m not even addressing that subject, although up until recently when he said he was falling in love with me, I had avoided this subject with great care.
I feel as though I caused irreparable damage by saying “I love you” to soon.
What’s with all the animosity? Granted, 6 months is not eternity, but sometimes we meet someone who we just “click” with and we feel that all the unwritten rules go out the window. Or there are some people whose families say “i love you” to eachother very frequently, and it only seems natural that they would feel not hearing it from a boyfriend makes them wonder. I didn’t know how to look for the signs when I first started dating – of how to interpret love rather than mere passing interest from a guy. I think what Eric is saying will be helpful.
Jasmine, sometimes guys throw around “i love you” immediately, but most of those times, a guy wants to get in a girl’s pants or is a pretty intense guy and usually will back off a bit afterwards. . When a guy meets a girl that he doesn’t want to mess things up yet, he will probably wait.
Just read the first paragraph and can’t believe this person expects a guy to tell her he loves her after SIX MONTHS…..wondering if I should bother reading on….?
WHERE DO U GET THESE SILLY/NAIVE LADIES/QUESTIONS FROM. ??
I agree with Love Destiny. Your posts are very helpful and insigtful.
I have followed your advice and in just one day I turned from being the chaser to the chased! thank you soo soo much! please do not change
Wow, thank you – that is so great to hear. I always appreciate hearing that I helped. Thanks!
Just joined. Love your articles and I think within a week have read almost all of them. This is one of my three utmost favorites. It speaks directly of the true love of a mature man. Love Destiny has a point in stating that some men do constantly use the infamous three-letter phrase without any substance. However, the man is not entirely to blame in those scenarios because it takes two to tango. If a woman lacks the maturity and intuitiveness to believe whatever a man says without properly and objectively analyzing the situation, then she is to blame as well.
This is going to sound mean but truth is, a man will say anything to get laid even if it means lying. It is our responsibility as a women to decide what you do with the information. Regardless of whether or not he deeply means the “I love you’s” and the “I miss you’s”, I personally judge a man solely on his actions. When a man’s action matches his words then his words mean something. Other than that, save it because I could care less.
Lastly, you should never wait for another person to validate love. My love is a gift, therefore it can not be earn or lost. It is just a reflection of my internal love for myself, life, and compassion for others. Like any gift, when I give it away, it is that person’s to keep and they can do whatever they want with it. I just determine, BASED ON ME, MYSELF, AND I, if I should continue giving that gift to that person. Learn to love yourself and stop needing other people’s validation.
Thank you for the comment and compliments – I am glad you love my stuff.
I think the way you stated love in the last paragraph was beautiful. I don’t think everyone who reads it is going to “get” what you’re saying, but those who do… or realize through reading what you’re saying… will be moved by it. Great stuff.
As a quick final note – SOME men will do anything to get sex, including lying. But it’s actually a minority of men – most men sincerely want to meet a great girl, their “one” and settle down with her.
Problem is, these sincere men get overshadowed by liars and relationship con artists because the good, sincere guys have that inconvenience of… being honest. Kind of limits their options.
So, in current society, young naive women date lying jerks and get taken advantage of until they learn their lesson.
The sincere men watch this with bitterness and jealousy. They regret their choice to be sincere and some of them actually go cold to dating with openness because it looks to them like the world only rewards liars and conmen.
Finally, after the naive girls wise up and the sincere guys step up and start going for women, both the man and woman have been embittered and traumatized by the seeming “unfairness” of dating.
And they bring these fears into the relationship. Ironically, if those two people had ended up together in the first place, there never would have been the trauma and thus there never would have been the irrational, innappropriate fears.
I’ve never actually written this before, but one of the reasons I write all this stuff and try to help men and women is to end that cycle of “the bad guys” ruining it for “the good guys”.
I believe the world would be a better place if women understood men so that they could weed out the cheaters, liars and frauds easily and have relationships with men they would truly be happy with.
It’s going to take understanding and work for men and for women though.
Thanks for sharing this Eric!
Found it quite interesting and not your dumbest post like Jasmine said! ??
Glad it was helpful for you – thanks!
this is such bull sh*t. Guys throw the “I love you” around like crazy and just because a guy says “I love you” does not mean they are commiting or anything like that. It’s just a phrase. Most people, not just men, do not show this crazy meaning behind saying it. Unless the guy commits he isn’t commiting, saying “I love you” does not equal commitment and a guy does not feel like he has to live up to something when he says “I love you.” Your boyfriend probably doesn’t love you and that’s why he hasn’t said it. He may care for you a lot and want the type of reaction from you that he would get if he said “I love you,” sex and devoution but I think if he loved you he would just say it.
This was seriously the dumbest post from you I’ve ever read.